The Fictional Hockey League

Critiquing hockey romance novels, of which there are many. Overthinking it is the point.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Offside: Post 19

Chapter 24: Voyeur Cat is Watching You Porn

Please note that posts may be a little irregular and a little slapdash for the month of March.

Logan dashes into the bar, all avenging irrationally jealous lover, prepared to pound Jason’s head into a pulp for daring to look at Billie’s ass, but thankfully Shane stops him. This is not the first time that Shane has been the voice of reason in this book and it really makes me wonder why he went to prison (although, as with so many things I’m curious about, not curious enough to pay for his book.) He points out that if Logan causes a scene, especially since Sabrina, Maiden of the Towels, is there, it’d be bad for Billie, and that’s enough to calm Logan down. (Never mind that it would also be breaking his word to Billie, no, that’s not important at all.)

Billie catches sight of Logan and acts really weird. I think the purpose is twofold. First, she’s acting as if she’s not involved with Logan because they’re at the bar with all of their leaguemates. Second, she’s flirting with Logan. If those seem fairly mutually exclusive to you, know that I agree. It comes off like Billie has lost her marbles, in my opinion.

“Logan,” she said casually…. She took a sip from her bottle, her tongue flickering [sic] along the edge. “I didn’t even notice you were missing until what,” she turned to Jason and giggled, “the third period?” (395).

I don’t know that I want to know how a tongue flickers. (Flicks, sure. Flickers...?) Logan wonders if Billie is drunk, based on the above. One of the other players asks Billie if she’s told Logan about the tournament the team has signed up for.

“Not me. I haven’t seen the guy since last Friday” (395).

I know I’m overly critical—that’s the point here—but I feel like these sorts of responses are super-forced. Like, Billie, you’re better than this.

Logan doesn’t notice because he’s too busy watching Billie.

The tip of her tongue was slowly rimming the bottle in her hands and he was very aware that the bulge between his legs was going to grow to epic proportions if he didn’t do something (396).

Then Billie brings up Skype and how “cool” it is. She explains it as if Logan had never heard of it before, all so that he’s thinking about the “crotch-less lingerie and peek-a-boo skirts” she was wearing the night before while they Skyped. Billie continues on, telling Logan he should try Skype some time, like when he’s on a business trip, because it’s a good way to keep in touch with people, like his “mother for instance” (397-98).

I wish Billie had chosen any other person to bring up as a non-sexy person to reference here because I’m already deeply concerned about Logan’s relationship with his mother.

At any rate, it all becomes too much for the both of them. Logan claims he has something he has to talk to Billie about and they leave “before he was forced to pound his fist into every single guy in the bar” (398). Logan’s possessive streak is beginning to creep me out. He practically drags her outside.

…for the first time really hating their dumbass arrangement. Logan decided right then and there that he was done playing games. He was done hiding (400).

I guess this is supposed to seem like he wants to be all super public about their relationship because he’s super serious about it. However, it’s a little bit problematic. First of all, he knows what she’s going through regarding the way the town is treating her, and he agreed (without any qualms at the time) to abide by her wishes in keeping their relationship a secret. As I’ve said, I’m not convinced that keeping it a secret is actually all that helpful, but my point is that this is not a unilateral decision that Logan gets to make. Second, “done playing games”? Again, not playing games is in character—it’s one of the first things that Logan says to Billie after they kiss for the first time (and it’s all supposed to stem from how Betty treated him after “they” slept together) but given that Billie’s car was vandalized and she was stabbed because she wants to play men’s hockey, and she sees her relationship with Logan as potentially being seen in the same light, as ergo dangerous, it’s not like she’s ashamed of him or playing games. She’s fearful. Third, I suspect this wanting everyone to know is supposed to be seen as romantic, because this is a “real” relationship (whatever that is) in a way that none of his previous ones have been. However, because it comes hard on the heels of how Billie is being hit on by other people, and Logan’s terrible reaction to that (which we also saw when he took her out for the first time), it only comes across as possessiveness and as isolating her from other people.

They drive superfast to Logan’s house and have sex in the hallway, and Logan is particularly excited because Billie isn’t wearing underwear. They get to the bed before actual penetrative sex and are both horrified to discover that Weird (the cat) is watching them.


She followed his gaze and swore. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

They had an audience. A furry, purring little thing, who flicked a crooked tail back and forth while holding out a paw to be licked.

A cat with one eye. An eye for porn (409-410).

And that’s where the chapter ends. I seriously think that this author was uncertain how to end sex scenes and thus capped them all off with Voyeur Cat.

Cats watch their people. They just do. I don’t think Weird the Porn Cat is particularly weird.

1 comment:

  1. Your comments about Logan and his mom are making me laugh and want to reread the book. Of course, since I've been watching the Road to the NHL Stadium Series, I keep picturing Logan Couture when I read Logan. This is not a happy fantasy for me.

    Cats, nonjudgemental since forever.