Offside: Post 15

Chapters 20: The Sex

Yes, she was alone in Logan Forest’s bed with a cat that had only one eye (328).

Billie wakes up to the one-eyed stare of Logan’s cat named Weird. Despite my love of animals, I hadn’t mentioned Weird before because he really seems just tossed into the story for decoration (he came with Logan’s house and he’s ugly and one-eyed.) A little later in this chapter, he will watch Billie and Logan have sex. Those are all the points the novel makes thus far about the cat.

Billie gets up, embarrassed by her drinking of the night before and goes to find Logan, but not before snooping through some of his things to get to know him. (she learns he reads, he keeps things clean, and his house is masculine.)

Because I’ve read more than my share of snarky (and thoughtful) critiques of Fifty Shades of Grey (although never the novel itself; you can see some of the critiques I read linked from this blog’s right-hand side), I know that Ana/Bella wakes up in Christian/Edward’s bed, too, after being blackout drunk. Only she finds that he’d undressed her (while she was unconscious) and slept beside her comatose body all night. So three cheers for Logan. He may not be a multimillionaire owner of a shady company, but at least he’s also not a creepy, abusive stalker! Huzzah! Also, before going to find Logan, Billie stops by the bathroom and uses Logan’s toothpaste and her fingers to clean her teeth—she does not use his toothbrush, unlike Ana/Bella does of Christian/Edward. Hurrah! Billie is not using someone’s dental instruments without permission and finding it erotic!

…I don’t think it’s good that FSoG has lowered my standards quite this far, and this without even reading/seeing it.

Billie then goes looking for Logan and finds him asleep, presumably naked, in a guest room. So she strips her own clothes and climbs into bed with him.

In seconds she stood only a few feet from the man she’d yearned for all of her life it seemed. She was vulnerable and, aware…

As naked as she hoped Logan was.

She’d never felt more alive than in this moment (332; comma error original)

I wrote a whoooooooole long digression about this moment and about “average” heroines and about how one thing this particular novel does right and does well, right here, is Billie taking this moment into her own hands. She’s not waiting around for Logan to introduce her to sex (although he did, unknowingly, take her virginity years before).  But it seemed excessive and a bit out of place, so if you want to read it, it’s at the bottom of this post, after where said post seems to end. Suffice it to say that I’m glad Billie didn’t just wait around with the one-eyed cat, hoping that Logan would come to her now that she’s awake and sober.

Of course, Billie’s control, where she starts running her fingers over his sleeping body, is a bit problematic since he’s asleep and thus cannot consent to her touch. Sigh. And her control is also very short lived, since he grabs her when he wakes up, and pulls her underneath him, “her arms pinned above her head, his legs and hips holding her prisoner” (332).

Sigh. I totally understand the appeal of a dominant hero (whether it’s dominant as in “alpha male” or dominant as in BDSM). Seriously, I get it. I’m just bored with the fact that it’s shorthand for sexy. It goes right back to heteronormative gender expectations. A man can’t control himself, particularly around The Right Woman for Him. Boooooorrrrrr-ing.

“I can’t hold back if we keep going, Billie,” he said gruffly.

She knew he was giving her an out and she loved him for that. How many men in this situation would even think of holding back? (336).

Really? He’s not giving her an out, he’s preemptively excusing himself for not stopping should she wish to as they move forward. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t wish to. But that’s not the point. What happens if once they get going (he hasn’t penetrated her at this point), she wants to stop? Does he get to say “Too bad, I warned you? I have to finish now?” No. No he does not. Because that would be rape. But instead she “loves him for” offering to not sleep with her.

Anyway, there’s sex (and as I’ve said before, sex scenes are sex scenes and thus not particularly interesting.  Except for this one I read once that was terrible and involved metaphors about sausage casings. I’ll have to find that for comparison purposes at some point.) And during the sex, Billie realizes how much she loves Logan. Like her “heart swelled” and “She loved him with every fiber of her being” (337).

Could some writer who is more talented than I come up with a new phrase to take the spot of “every fiber of her being”? Because it is so clichéd and yet I do understand the impulse to use the phrase.

Anyway, there’s sex. At least they use a condom. And! Billie’s on top, so that helps with my point above about men losing control are a romance novel trope about looooooove.

The connection she felt to Logan was soul shattering— it went beyond the physical and landed pretty much right smack in the middle of a bond she didn’t understand (343).

Am I just a cynic or does the fact that this realization comes right after she had an orgasm make it a bit suspect?

Post-coitus, they notice that the cat has been watching them the whole time and remark that he seems to be a voyeur, and then the chapter concludes with the agreement to give Weird a second “X-rated show to watch” (344).

I’m kind of impressed that it took the novel this long to get these two into bed (340-ish pages out of 520). And I’m also impressed that Billie doesn’t look at Logan’s penis and comment on how large it is, since that has been a running theme in most of these novels. Small mercies?

‘Til next time, here’s the digression I wrote and cut. Feel free to skip it as it has not much directly to say about Offside…

While the comments on this particular blog here are not particularly active (due in part to the cranky nature of blogger and part to the incredibly niche appeal of this blog, I suspect, and also my complete inability to understand how to use metadata and such), Cherry, who comments regularly (and thank you for that!) pointed out something about heroines in the comments recently. She pointed out that while it makes sense that readers want to put be able to put themselves into the heroine’s shoes, the very averageness of the heroine doesn’t make a great deal of sense for the hero – who is always suave and handsome and usually rich (or at least comfortable, like Logan), etc. – to fall for them.

I have to admit, I am often a sucker for the average-girl stories, to an extent. When I’m reading non-hockey romance novels (I love regency romances, I admit it), I like to look for the spinster ones, for example, because I don’t like when the heroine is the same age as my students (18-20) because that seems creepy and because I can’t relate. So relatability is a thing I understand, as is wish fulfillment.

But it seems to me that Ana of FSOG and her precursor, Bella from Twilight, go beyond that. Stephenie Meyer said that she created Bella as a blank slate that readers could just fill up with their own personality, which is why Bella had no personality and exactly one hobby (reading classic novels). At least she was writing for the age group that Bella represented, but of course as you know, the Twilight Saga also resonated with a number of other age groups. I don’t know what the original idea was for making Anastasia Steele, of FSoG, so young—she’s newly graduated from college, so about 20—other than that it was not, in fact, an original idea but Twilight AU fanfiction. But this youth was presumably necessary for the utter blankness of Ana’s character, too. She has exactly one hobby (reading classic novels) and zero sexual experience and she has to be complete initiated into sex by her novel’s hero. This is very, very common in romance novels, even in contemporary ones (although slightly less common than, say, in regencies, since in Regency England if you weren’t a virgin when you got married, you were Not a Nice Girl, etc.)

This is a very, very long winded way of saying that while I think there are some things that are very Not Good about his particular novel (back to Offside now), at least Billie has a personality, has a life (albeit that life is only hockey, but then again, I know a lot of hockey players, even ‘just’ beer league, for whom that statement is true), AND she’s not afraid to go after what she wants, sexually.

Her Man Advantage: Post 18

Chapters 13: A Swarm of Hogs

Then the main plot takes over again with Axel driving his Escalade and surrounded by bikers. (The phrase “a swarm of Hogs bearing down on him” (130) I must admit made me laugh.) The bikers push him off the road and Axel knows what to expect.

…there would be a representative goon out there. Axel understood the job of the enforcer all too well. It was a role he’d taken on with every team he’d ever played for (131).

I feel that this might be trying a little too hard to shoehorn in the similarities. Plus, there’s a whole herd of biker surrounding Axel’s car, so aren’t they all enforcers?

The “representative goon” tells Axel to follow them or they’ll go back and hurt Jennifer, so they all drive on and end up in some run-down suburbs and a convenient, boarded-up warehouse. Because of course they do. As they approach the Warehouse of Clichés, Axel can hear the guitar riffs of Stereotype Southern Rock. From this formulaic Biker Land appears Jaako Latt, apparently the long-time boss of the Helsinki branch who speaks in sentences that are presumably meant to show off that English is not his first language but which sound like Generic Foreigner. Some examples:

“The internet is not secure for our business, I do not think” (132).

“You will pay to keep the crimes of your past a secret from your American fans and the woman you kiss on television. This way, you protect your endorsement deals, yes?... One time payment. Cash. Say, three million?” (133).

Axel is about to agree, mostly to keep Jennifer safe but also a little bit because he thinks Jaako is right about the endorsement deals. Given how long ago Axel’s ‘crimes’ were and mitigated by the context of his youth, I have a hard time thinking that he’d lose all that many deals. He’d be celebrated for turning his life around and making good. I really don’t understand the biker gang’s thought process on what they think they have hanging over Axel (except Jennifer, but she showed up on their radar after they’d started threatening him.)

Speaking of Jennifer, she answers for Axel, having randomly shown up at the Abandoned Warehouse of Biker Clichés, having been captured by a biker who found her in a tree. Yes, in a tree. She was trying to film what was going on, but apparently though a boarded-up window. I’m a little unclear on how she planned on succeeding, but I’m also unclear as to how the “half-wit teenage biker” (133) found her in the tree.

Jennifer immediately starts pointing out that even though they have now broken her camera, all the data immediately uploads so she has evidence of blackmail. I know that back at the beginning of the book we covered the fact that the video cameras immediately upload all data, but that was at the practice rink which I assumed was set up with wi-fi. I have a hard time imagining that the Run-Down Suburban Abandoned Warehouse of Motorcycle Gang Stereotypes is particularly set-up for high-speed uploading. But sure.

Jennifer’s claims, regardless of their veracity, don’t bother Jaako, King of the Helsinki Bikers. He points out that she won’t use the film because it would ruin Axel’s career. See above re: my point that I personally don’t believe it would hurt it his career all that much but whatever. Jennifer believes it and immediately backs down. On the bright side, she was clever enough to call the police so they’re apparently on their way.

But all of Jennifer’s self-recriminations, which she briefly castigated herself with about becoming a liability in the situation, are short-lived because Axel finally declares that he’s going to go “public with [his] past” and points out that even if he doesn’t make it back safely that night, Kyle will go to the media with the information. He goes on to explain, although frankly this hardly seems the time as they are surrounded by heavily-armed biker clichés, that he’ll use his background to help kids stay out of similar trouble.

Then the police sirens start and the bikers flee. Axel grabs Jennifer and forces her to crouch with him behind the Suburban Abandoned Warehouse’s makeshift bar. She’s all confused, thinking that he’s hiding from the police, but then gunfire starts and Axel protects her body with his.

As soon as said gunfire ceases, which as far as I can tell is pretty much immediately, all Jennifer wants to know is if Axel wants to be with her. Seriously, lady? You couldn’t wait until you aren’t hiding behind broken crates, maybe a few more minutes since you and Axel were threatened at gunpoint. You couldn’t maybe more about how he is physically or emotionally, having faced his past’s boogeyman? Nope. But she doesn’t get an answer because the police actually use a bullhorn to announce at them “Come out with your hands up!” and the chapter ends (136).

Her Man Advantage: Post 14

Chapters 10 & 11: Nonjudgmental Cows

Chapter 10 opens with Jennifer and Axel flirting via cell phone as they both drive to his house from the airport. (They’re driving separately, I mean. They’re not so odd as to be in the same car and chatting via Bluetooth.) Things are going swimmingly and Jennifer’s getting all hot and bothered until she sees his mansion when she starts to freak out a bit about his life-style.

…she felt out of depth with him suddenly. It was one thing to tease and flirt with a Neanderthal hockey player trying to intimidate her with the scent of sweat. It was another to sleep with a wealthy athlete who traveled the world acquiring exotic cars (99).

Well, actually it’s not two different things since she’s talking about Axel in both cases.

The question of Axel’s intimidating mansion gets dropped, however, in favor of debating the finer points of what sexual chemistry means, and whether it’s enough to overcome the challenges that two very different people face when they have pantsfeelings for each other.

Then the perspective shifts to Axel who is feeling guilty for his pantsfeelings because he knows he’s going to have to back off in order to keep Jennifer safe when he deals with the biker gang. Despite his guilt, though, we have the following very common romance novel trope after they have mind-boggling sex:

He wanted to pause the night right there. Make sure the sun didn’t rise for another seventy-two hours or so in order for him to get his fill of this woman. Then again, that would never be enough (105).

Why seventy-two hours? That seems fairly arbitrary.

That’s pretty much all for chapter 10 because it’s mostly sex. (And I’d be happy to comment on sex scenes if they were anything other than sex scenes, but these are just straightforward so I haven’t anything to say.)

Chapter 11 begins at the same time as chapter 10, only it’s Vincent suggesting he’ll drive Chelsea home from the airport. She wants to demure but then remembers that her car is with the other groupies on the way back from New York.

Vincent is super sweet about it. He knows she’s uncertain, so he offers to call her a cab instead, and even has his phone out before Chelsea says she trusts him and they get into his heavy-duty truck “which looked as if it would be at home on a Minnesota farm” (106).

See, ‘cuz Vincent’s just a farm boy at heart. Except that at least half the Arizona Coyotes drive trucks, too. (No, I’m not a stalker. I just saw them drive the night that the fans met the team at the airport to celebrate. Also, I’ve been to enough practices to see which cars/trucks are frequently in the lot.) And while Shane Doan does actually have a farm, the rest of the team not so much.

Chelsea is justifiably proud of her apartment, since it’s nearly impossible for a homeless person to get enough together to be allowed to rent somewhere, so this leads to Vincent asking how she went from homeless “to walking into the Phantoms’ practice rink and making half the team fall in love with you?” (107). Since we’ve only seen one other player ever say anything about Chelsea, and said player is in the process of falling for the novel’s other heroine, I can’t say whether Vincent is exaggerating or not.

I will say I’m pleased that the narrative doesn’t make it sound like hard work is all it takes to go from homeless to secure. The author did her research. If you’re wondering how Chelsea did it, she says she used gyms for showers and a place to keep her stuff and libraries to research where to get free clothes and jobs that paid by the day. The only thing that sticks out for me here is that to make fake membership badges, as she says she did for the gyms, she’d have to have some computer skills and access to equipment that it seems unlikely public libraries could provide. (Also, the only gym I’ve belonged to didn’t have membership badges but instead scanned your fingerprint. But as I said, that’s only my experience.)

Chelsea also tells Vincent of the time when she woke up in an alley being robbed. She got away safely but lost a year’s worth of savings. This upsets Vincent so much that he asks if he can hold her (they’re still in his truck) because it would make him feel better. She lets him. This leads to Vincent telling her how he doesn’t know what he’d have done in his first year without her—that seeing her in the stands kept him going through his early, bad games, so now they’d have to forcibly remove him from Philadelphia to get him to leave her. She asks what if she wants to see Minnesota and he says he’d drive her there himself. There’s some snuggling and then Chelsea declares,

“I think I’d like cows.”

“You do?” He grinned and felt her snag another piece of her heart.

“They sound very nonjudgmental” (111).

Um. Sure.

But you know what doesn’t sound nonjudgmental to Chelsea? Parents. And Vincent’s are showing up in Philadelphia next week and he wants her to meet them. Immediately Chelsea shuts down and says she should go inside. Vincent insists on walking her to her door, but he’s mindful to not touch her, knowing her issues. Even so, Chelsea gets inside, closes the door most of the way, and finishes with “You deserve a nice, normal girl. And that will never be me” (113). 

I know I said that I felt that Chelsea’s turnaround on the plane was awfully quick. So the freak-out is in character. That said, he wasn’t asking her to marry him, just to have dinner with his parents. And having dinner with the SO’s parents kinda sucks, regardless, but I’m surprised that it’s what makes Chelsea hit the brakes and flee, especially since Vincent is so solicitous. He could have immediately been all “Okay, no problem, next time maybe.” But no.