Knock Me for a Loop: Post 4

Row 3: Unheroic Heroine

(Posts for the foreseeable future may be a bit brief and slapdash. Proofreading? Revision? What are those!? Sincere apologies—it’s been a heck of a few months and the Commissioner is digging her way out of them.)

Grace, our heroine, is having a “Girls’ Night Out” with Ronnie, the star of the first book in this series, only since they’re staying in at Grace’s house, I’m not sure how it’s a night out. They’re watching a movie and eating takeout, which necessitates also giving tastes of said takeout to Muffin, the Saint Bernard that Grace stole from Zack.

Considering the noxious breath and mutant salivary glands that came as part and parcel of the furry monster, it was a minor miracle she hadn’t dropped him at the nearest animal shelter within minutes of leading him out of Zack’s apartment.

She’d hated the mangy beast for years while she and Zack dated. Deemed him nothing more than a stinky, overgrown nuisance, and had often hinted that Zack should get rid of him so they could get a smaller pet… (39).

If I didn’t already dislike Grace, this passage would do it. What. The. Hell. Seriously. I know I’m an animal lover, but even so, really!? There is SO MUCH wrong with this passage. First, stealing someone’s dog? Always wrong. Second, stealing a pet to drop it off at a shelter purely to piss someone off? That’s sociopathic. I mean, unless the dog is actively aggressive, I have a hard time understanding how anyone can hate any dog, but I get that not everyone likes animals. (I don’t actually trust people who don’t like animals, but that’s my own hangup.) That’s not what’s going on here—Grace apparently wanted them to get a Pomeranian instead. She wanted to get rid of the dog they had—which essentially means KILLING said dog because most shelters are overflowing, but at BEST means uprooting a dog from its family—because she wanted something cuter and which drooled less often.

I officially hate Grace.

Last week I was reading a regency romance novel (for fun, not for nitpicking) and I started out disliking the heroine because she was shallow and petty. But it turned out that she was, in fact, neither of those things (she was acting in order to fit in with a popular crowd) and furthermore she grew throughout the novel to the point where I liked the heroine and could see why the hero fell for her (and vice versa). I so hope that Grace redeems herself similarly. But threatening to drop a dog off at the shelter after you stole it? Yeah, that’s a big uphill climb.

Granted, she kept the dog, as evidenced by my first point about having to feed said beastie tidbits of her takeout, but so what? He apparently helped “Save her sanity and mend her broken heart” post breakup (39). Yes, because pets are awesome. Except for the part where I’m not sure Grace had any sanity to keep. She did, after all, steal Zack’s dog. And throw many of his belongings out of his own apartment. And smash up his Hummer. Also, “she’d stolen his favorite hockey stick” (39) which makes me laugh. She realizes that they go through tons of those, right? And get them for free from companies that want endorsements? I mean, unless this was like a Speshul Stick that he doesn’t actually play with because it was autographed by his hero, I don’t think he’s going to mourn the loss of a hockey stick (even a goalie stick, which is what it ought to be, given that Zack is a goalie and the positions are not interchangeable.)

There’s some chatter about how Muffin (which was not the dog’s name when he belonged to Zack, by the way) ought not eat people food but when Grace tried to stop giving it to him, it was like “trying to tame a rabid wolverine” and the consequence was spending “three days scraping food off the ceiling” (40), a point I mention only because what the heck? How does not giving human food to a canine result in food (unspecified as to whether it was human or dog) splattered on the ceiling, and so caked on, apparently, that it took three days to remove it?

I think the author is trying to be humorous but it’s not working because it doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen this a few other places in this book so far and I’ll try to point more out as I come across them.

Then conversation moves on to Grace’s reaction to having seen Zack the previous day at the wedding. Ronnie is the voice of reason and asks what if Zack was telling the truth and Grace gets angry that she seems to be taking the ex’s side. Watch out, Ronnie! Don’t get Grace angry! She’ll steal your stuff and smash your car!!!

Ronnie, however, is smart enough (or possibly has Stockholm Syndrome) and says that “If you said the sky was green, I’d agree with you” (42) but ventures on to say that Grace and Zack were good together and it’d be a shame to destroy the relationship over a misunderstanding.

True, Ronnie, but honestly, it seems like Zack escaped from a pretty terrible fate, being married to Grace. And also, it’s been six months, which means that the relationship is pretty dead (and will have to be restarted in many ways), so if you feel strongly about this, shouldn’t you have mentioned it a long time ago? Say, before Grace destroyed a Hummer and stole a dog? (Ronnie actually explains that she’d assumed him guilty, too, and it’s only that Zack has maintained his innocence for 6 months, even with “his very closest friends”, that she’s wondering (42).)

The conversation stretches on for a while and I won’t bore you with further details. But at the end, Ronnie asks Grace “what…[her] heart is telling [here]?” and after pondering, Grace says she’d made the right decision (44). So apparently no softening on her part, although she does think about the terrible childhoods they both had. (Grace’s mother was “a B-movie Hollywood starlet… but an A-list wannabe” (45). Does anyone who is “B-list” not want to be “A-list”? And she died due to pills when Grace was 12. Zack’s terrible childhood is not detailed at this point.)

But then the movie ends and Grace switches over to television, specifically to the sports channel which is showing the Rockets’ game against … some team “suited in white and black” (47), so… the Kings?

…what she saw made her heart tumble down to her toes, hitting every rib and internal organ along the way (47).

I’ve heard of a wandering womb, but I think Grace might need medical attention for her heart condition.

“Oh my God.” The words slid past her lips on a hiss of air as the oxygen left her lungs (47).

Actually, Grace, most of what you’re exhaling is nitrogen, and only about 15% of the breath that is hissing out of you, along with the words, is oxygen. (To be fair, the nitrogen that goes in and comes out remains the same, about 78%. Even so, we breathe in about 21% oxygen and breathe out 15%, so her statement is nonsensical on multiple levels! And also, weirdly redundant with all that hissing and speaking and lungs.)

The bottle she’d just picked up slipped from her numb fingers, cracking into the edge of the table on its way to the carpeted floor, and she slowly followed it down, her knees turning to jelly (47).

The knee thing should also be seen by a medical practitioner, although it’s probably not as immediately life threatening as the “heart bouncing off of other internal organs” thing.

Also, if you’re wondering what the heck she’s reacting to, well, the text won’t divulge that for another page. Clearly, the play-by-play of Grace’s reaction (and then Ronnie’s reaction, which is to take off her hate and gloves and scarf) is far more important.

So what did happen? Well, Zack was in net, defending against the “small disk of vulcanized rubber” (47), also known as the puck, although you wouldn’t know it from this book, since the vulcanized rubber phrase has been used multiple times already and we’re fewer than 50 pages in. Zack blocked the shot, and the player who’d shot it rammed into Zack.

His back hit the metal frame of the net with what looked to be brute force before both men lurched sideways and began to fall… and were quickly covered by half a dozen other players from both teams (48).

First, the writer knows that the nets move right? That hitting it sucks, but it’ll come off the pegs so that the goalie is less likely to be injured by hitting “the metal frame”. Second, “looked to be brute force”? The phrase means force that has no finesse (such as in programming, when you try to decode something not by finding the underlying key but by throwing stuff at it to see what works.) So that’s not something that can be seen—or rather, it is but what the heck else would it be?

The text does not specify why six other players next landed atop the goalie and player. It’s not uncommon for players to go after the other team’s players who knocked into their goalie, so I’ll assume that’s what’s going on there.

But as they went down, Zack’s helmet flew off and his left leg caught on the edge of the net.

The leg held, but his body didn’t, twisting him like a Twizzler beneath the weight of a dozen players (48).

A dozen players? So now it’s a bench clearing brawl? Or the author doesn’t know how many players are supposed to be on the ice at a time? I have to say that I think the latter more likely.

I can’t explain why this whole scenario seems so unlikely. Maybe someone else can tease it apart better. (I’ve included above everything describing the incident other than the fact that Grace took the time to consider how “unaccountably grateful” Grace had always been that Zack has all of his teeth—or at least did before this event (48).)

Once everyone is pulled apart, Zack is clearly left unconscious.

…Zack…remained unnaturally still, his blue and red Rockets jersey a stark contrast to the crystalline ice beneath him (48).

First, the Rockets’ jerseys are blue and red? That’s gotta be hella confusing when playing the Rangers. Second, I’m having a really hard time accepting “crystalline” as an adjective for a sheet of hockey ice.

Ronnie calls Dylan (her significant other, the team reporter) who gets the inside scoop—although I’m really unclear as to how he gets said scoop so quickly. On the television, Grace sees the team physician checking Zack, still on the ice, after Ronnie hangs up her phone with Dylan. But Ronnie then tells her that Dylan said the following:

 “Dylan says it’s bad. Zack is unconscious, and the doctor can’t get him to respond. His head cracked the ice pretty hard. His leg is messed up, too. They’re taking him to the hospital, and Dylan is going to follow. We can meet him there, if you want” (48-49).

In other words, Dylan is a freakin’ psychic! Neat!

The rest of the chapter—two pages of it—is Grace being uncertain as to whether she wanted to go to the hospital to see Zack because there will be media. (She doesn’t decide by the end of the chapter.)

Play the Man: Post 27

Chapter Nineteen & Twenty: Rewriting History

Jenna falls asleep in Nick’s arms and he puts her to bed (fully clothed). Then it’s Nick’s turn to ponder the situation to himself. He admits he loves Jenna more than he has “ever loved a girl in this world” (129), which still leaves options for other worlds, I supposed.

And Ryan was more than a guy he played hockey with or his captain—he was his friend (129).

Have we been reading the same book? There’s never been anything more than teammate-ness between these two thus far. It’s like the narrative has decided this would all be more poignant if the two men in the love triangle were truly good friends, even though the major set up of the love triangle in the first place was how different Nick and Ryan are and how they have so little in common, which lead to Jenna hanging out with Nick in the first place.

At any rate, Nick decides that since he’s never failed at anything he’s put his mind to (with the exception of getting Jenna to love him), he’s going to get these two back together… somehow.

And then it’s Ryan’s turn to pace around and mope and mutter and wonder what the hell happened. He’s particularly miffed that the affair happened after he gave in and proposed.

Now? After he was finally giving her everything she wanted? (130).

He decides he can’t stay in the house, since it reminds him too much of her, and goes to a hotel. Then he shocks all of his teammates by going to an optional skate. Maybe I’m just spoiled because my favorite hockey team has pretty much the best captain ever, but I can’t imagine Shane Doan not going to almost all optional skates, because he leads by example.

Speaking of my favorite team, apparently the Blackhawks next game is against Phoenix and Nick is hoping to be cleared to play. I am not the only Coyotes fan who hates the Blackhawks. It is so miserable to go to a Blackhawks at Coyotes game, and not because, as you might think, the Blackhawks are guaranteed to win—they’re very much not, thankyouverymuch, may I direct you to the Coyotes winning the playoff series against them in 2012? It’s miserable because so many former Chicagoans live in Phoenix and are asshats against Phoenix fans.

Anyway, moving on. Nick is at practice and thinking about Jenna, of course, and realizes that Jenna needs Ryan “to feel complete and whole” (133), that their opposites fit together. I loathe the idea that you need a significant other to be complete. That way lies madness. I far prefer the idea of two complete humans finding each other and that 1 + 1 = 2. That’s why it’s called a couple, not a person.

Locker room gossip breaks out, as one of the Blackhawks players says he heard that one of the Detroit players is sleeping with another player’s wife. Everyone in the locker room is pretty horrified—they make fun of the husband being cuckolded and criticize the accused wife, but another player declares that this is against the code.

“I don’t care, that’s still fucked up,” Mike added. “You just don’t do shit like that, ya know? Not to a teammate. I don’t care how pretty the chick is. I don’t care if her fucking pussy tastes like Dom Perignon—you just don’t do shit like that” (133 emphasis original).

Classy, Mike. Classy. But of course, this cuts awfully close to home for both Nick and Ryan. The first player who brought all this up pokes fun at Mike, joking that he looks at some other player’s girlfriend. Unfortunately for Mike, his defense is that he “prefers blondes. Like Jenna” (134).

Ryan goes ballistic. Even though he’s half dressed for practice, which to my mind makes this scene hilarious, he throws himself at Mike.

He pushed himself off the bench and balanced himself on the thin skate blades before launching himself at Mike and unleashing the dormant anger (134).

First? I can’t believe he’d take the time to consciously balance himself. If you’ve been playing hockey long enough to be in the freakin’ NHL, you can walk on those suckers just fine and if you adrenaline and anger have you going crazy at a teammate, you’re not stopping to think about your balance. All that said, second, hockey fights are already kind of hilarious because of the skates. Half dressed and in the locker room? Oh yeah, I’d pay to see that. (Particularly if it were Blackhawk on Blackhawk violence.)

Nick steps in between the two before any actual fighting can happen, sadly, and drags Ryan out of the locker room. Nick tells Ryan (once they’re alone) that he knows what Ryan is upset about and Ryan assumes this means that Jenna told him.

“She cheated, and you knew. She went to you, she told you, and she left me out to dry. You’re just as fucking bad as she is.”

“I am,” Nick admitted, knowing he was just as bad. Just as guilty. It was time to come clean. “It was me.” (135 emphasis original).

Okay, if Nick weren’t the other guilty party in the affair, then I’d fail to see how Jenna going to talk to him in confidence (theoretically) and his therefore not telling Ryan makes him just as culpable.

There’s a lot of “How could you!?” back and forth and Nick trying to say that it just “happened” and that Jenna still loves Ryan. It goes about as well as you’d expect, but sadly there’s no more half-dressed-for-hockey fighting. Nick does manage to get in that Ryan wasn’t there for Jenna, but Ryan assumes he means physically and gets pissy about it, pointing out that she knew he’d be traveling when he went pro.

The weird part is Ryan’s reaction to it being Nick instead of some guy from the Art Institute that he doesn’t know.

Nick was supposed to be his friend, and Jenna was supposed to be his girl. They were supposed to be the two people in this world who he could rely on for support—he never would have suspected they’d do something like this to hurt him. Ryan felt betrayed by the two people that he trusted most, by the two people that he should have been able to depend on more than anyone else (136).

And yes, very sad and all that. Except no. Before this, Nick was never so much as mentioned as being more than a teammate. For heaven’s sake, when Nick got concussed, Ryan didn’t so much as want to drive him home, let alone let him stay in his house. That’s not exactly a strong friendship.

This is why editors matter. A good editor would have cut ½ the moping and all of the inconsistencies. Grrr. You can’t just rewrite history unless you actually go back and rewrite the damn book.