The Virgin's Secret Marriage: Post 4

Chapter 3: Oh, THAT secret marriage

As it is wont to do, post wacky hijinks that make the news, people descend upon Joe and Emma. Emma’s parents (Saul and Margaret, the owners of the Carolina Storm), turned around on their way to their weekend event because they’d been called by the sheriff department, the sheriff, and the team’s head coach (once the incident hit the news). Saul immediately disbelieves Joe’s explanation that he’d thought someone had broken in, and he accuses Joe of signing with the Storm in order to get close to Emma and “lead her astray again” (33). This leads to Joe musing about how imbalanced the power dynamic is between him and Saul—that Saul can fire him at any time. Frankly, that’s kind of how any employee-employer relationship is, no? Which is why you don’t date your boss’s daughter…? Seriously, I don’t know why this makes Joe all sulky. Buy your own team (or company or whatever) if you don’t like the power imbalance.

Joe drives off to his sister’s house, next. I’m pretty sure that his sister (Janey) is the subject of the next book in this series (much like the siblings in Offside, only there’s six total in this series) so we learn that she’d had a bad marriage and now her life is all about her son (who wants to be an NHL players like his uncle.) So Janey is concerned about how to explain the news to her son, since it’s a small town and even if he doesn’t see the news clip and Joe’s backside, “with the black bar placed strategically across it” (35), he’ll still hear about it. The two siblings specifically fear that the clip will end up on an “often sensational interview show” hosted by someone named Tiffany Lamour (36). This will be important later. Dunh dunh dunnhhhh.

Joe plans to keep a low profile for the weekend (until the press conference on Monday), and Janey says that Emma doesn’t have that option as it’s June and therefore “the height of wedding season” (37). So Joe was definitely an off-season acquisition for the Storm, although I’m still not sure if he was a trade or a free agent.

It turns out that Janey was right about the trouble that this experience would bring to Emma as a wedding planner as when the narrative turns back to her point of view, it’s to find out that the “image-conscious Raleigh socialite,” whose daughter’s wedding she was planning, has decided that Emma’s “dubious… reputation…” (ellipsis original) disqualifies her from planning the wedding. Because she’ll get her slutty cooties on the wedding party? I’m really unclear about this part. Fortunately for Emma, she will still get paid, since the wedding is only six days away. I wouldn’t complain too much about not having to deal with this lady and still getting paid at least $12,500 (since “[h]er standard fee was ten percent over the cost of the wedding” (38).) I don’t think I could ever be a wedding planner—but I also don’t think I could pay a wedding planner $12,500.

After that lovely fiasco, Emma gets a phone call from Saul. It’s Monday morning and he’s calling her specifically to tell her that the press conference with Joe is at 10am and she is, under no circumstances, to be there. Since she had no intention of being there, Saul’s call is pretty stupid as now Emma is aware of the conference and decides to show up.

Joe, who Emma decides is looking very sexy, comes over to her upon her arrival, before the press conference starts, and asks why she’s there.

“You know they’ll pounce on you like piranhas” (42).

Do piranhas really pounce? I mean, don’t get me wrong—I have no desire to be faced with a hungry piranha, but I feel like actual pouncing requires legs. And to maybe not be aquatic.

Emma is quite straightforward, which I like. She tells Joe that she knows she’ll have to answer the press’s questions, as the team owner’s daughter, so she’d prefer to do it in a safe venue so she needn’t be worried about reporters showing up elsewhere. She starts the press conference off, winning over the media to her side by charming them and by praising the sheriff’s speedy response and the news crew’s readiness. So all seems well. But we’re only on page 44 of the novel and our titular virgin is still virginal and there’s been nary a secret marriage to be found, so you know there’s more to come.

Joe takes the stage and is asked actual sports questions, including if he has any “qualms about the no-trade clause?” (45).

“None,” Joe lied through his teeth (45).

That’s … weird. Don’t players get the right to waive their no-trade clauses? Aren’t no-trade clauses at the behest of the players, not the team? Even if you suddenly don’t want to be on the team you’re on (and Joe is having trouble, yes, because of this scandal, but come on, it’s June and he hasn’t played yet and this is where his family is), you can waive your clause and request a trade. So his lie makes no sense.

Next, Tiffany Lamour, aforementioned sports gossip, steps up to the plate (sorry, I mixed my sports metaphors there) by asking where Joe plans to live, in Raleigh or “here in Holly Springs with [his] new family?”(45).

Joe is confused by this line of questioning, and Tiffany keeps pushing, eventually dropping a bombshell and asking about wives.

“I’m not married, Miss Lamour. You know that.”

“Au contraire, Joe … Because, according to reports I’ve just received, you eloped with a young girl seven years ago” (45).

Ohhhhh. THAT wife.

Apparently, Joe and Emma got married but also divorced, and Joe had paid a lot of money to keep anyone from finding out, including Emma’s family. So Tiffany Lamour gets the chapter’s last line, speaking to Saul Donovan.

“I’m just asking, Mr. Donovan, how you feel about your former, current and future son-in-law” (46).

Body Check: Post 16-

Chapter 9: Plot! And the Pretzel of Guilt

I’m not going to spend time on this next scene because there’s not much to poke fun at and it’s also not very interesting. But it is plot related, so I’ll quickly sum up: Hayden goes to visit Sheila-the-soon-to-be-ex to see what she meant about Presley’s drinking. She says that Presley had made some bad financial decisions which lead to his drinking, which cycled to more bad choices and more drinking. Sheila confronted him about the drinking, after which Presley slept with another woman. He confessed but blamed it on Sheila’s nagging. When she confronted him again, while drunk, he admitted to fixing games.

Sheila also says that she married Presley not just for his money, which she could have gotten by marrying someone else, but because she wanted someone who would take care of her and put her first, “financially and emotionally” (111).

This confession makes Hayden think about how she also is looking for someone stable, someone who would put her first, someone like Intimacy-Bridge-Doug. Obviously this is meant as a turning point, for Hayden to start thinking about the possibilities with Brody. But I don’t actually see their situations as being equal here. Hayden isn’t looking for someone to take care of her every need, just someone who puts their relationship ahead of his career. I feel like this is a really forced comparison necessitated only by plot.

As Hayden leaves her almost-ex-stepmother’s house, she answers a call from Intimacy-Doug. In between the bits of dialogue, the text informs us:

…since they’d gone skating after the [gentlemen’s] Club party, she and Brody had been having fun not only in the bedroom, but out of it. They’d gone back to the Lakeshore Lounge for dinner, gone skating at Millennium Park. Brody had even taken her to the Art Institute of Chicago, where he’d spent the entire day following her from painting to painting and listening to her rave about each one (113).

Doesn’t he… like… have hockey to play? Practices and games? Playoffs are a best of seven, usually with 1 day off between games, sometimes 2. And I know I complained in an earlier post that a 2 hour on-ice drill practice during playoffs is unlikely, but a complete day off for them to go to the Art Institute? No. Besides, half of the games they should be playing ought to be in another city (specifically LA.)

The text goes on to address that, sort of.

He’d had three away games this past week and each time he’d left to catch his flight she’d had to bite her tongue (113).

Wait, what? Okay. The only way for this to work would be if he’d flown back to Chicago after game three, then back to LA for game 4 as well. Then they’d come back to Chicago for game 5, back to LA for game 6 and… even then, that’s only two away games. Because if a game 7 was forced, it’d have to be in Chicago.

If, since this is not necessarily the NHL (conveniently), I suppose that game 1 could have been in LA (it’s never specified), game 2 in Chicago (the one that Hayden was at), game 3 in LA (the one where the Warriors lost 6-0), and thus just alternating each game. Then Chicago would have games 4 and 6, and Chicago would have 5 and 7. But even then, that’s still only two away games “this week” because this would be after game 3 (thus 5 and 7).  Also, if this is the case, the series is over.

OR! I may have figured it out. Perhaps they’ve moved past the first round. So they’d have had to beat LA in game 4 (which should have been in LA, so this could be the first of the three mentioned away games) and again in game 5 (in Chicago.) Then they could head out to play games 1 and 2 against another team, elsewhere. Although it doesn’t read that way, since the above sentence suggests, with “each time” that each away game had a separate flight. So the Warriors waste time, money, and jet fuel by flying back to Chicago between 2 games in another city? Also, if this is the case, you’d think the narrative would have mentioned somewhere that they got out of round one.

The lack of hockey playoff understanding aside, Hayden and Doug discuss their relationship a bit. Doug wants to come visit her in Chicago which is enough information for Hayden to finally admit that she’s been seeing someone in Chicago. Doug is pretty taken aback by this information and in response,

The pretzel of guilt in her chest tightened into a vise around her heart (116).

Really? The pretzel of guilt?

Body Check: Post 12-

Chapter 7: Professor vs. Hockey Player

After the sex, there’s some question of whether there should be more sex or room service and television. They decide with the latter so that the plot can advance. But before that, there’s a bunch of chatting about Rembrandt when Brody picks up a text book and he manages to call up some near-forgotten tidbits about art he’d learned in college. Unfortunately, this leads to an awkward metaphor.

“That’s one of the things I want to talk to my students about, how something as simple as cleaning or restoring can change your entire view of a piece of art.”

He nodded. “Sort of like the when the Zamboni cleans the ice during the second period intermission. Changes the entire playing surface” (80).

Admittedly, Hayden nearly laughs at his comparison, but even with that reaction, it’s an awkward comparison. Also, why the “second period intermission”? The Zamboni (actually, Zambonis—NHL rinks have two) cleans the ice before every period, even before the first period but after warmups. And much of it again before any shootout, and during the playoffs, the whole sheet of ice before overtime.

Brody also observes, “You’re really into art, huh?” (80).

No Brody. She’s actually into organic chemistry but there were more art history professorial jobs available so she went for it.

Apparently Brody went to college, too, studying sports sciences and minoring in athletic coaching. This is cool. A lot more NHL players are going to college these days than in the past.

Brody assumes that Hayden doesn’t believe him, however, which triggers the narrative to tell us all the times that Brody was expected to be a dumb jock instead a good student. This leads them into a conversation about Brody’s parents and how he had no money growing up, which is awkward since they’re sitting in Hayden’s enormous penthouse suite as they have this conversation.

They’re saved from further awkwardness when the room service arrives and they turn on the tv to watch the news. Unfortunately, the news is of Hayden’s father. Evidently, one of the Warriors admitted that there’s truth to the bribery and illegal betting, thus the “league” (the unnamed NHL, one assumes) will be investigating.

Our hero and heroine logically lose their appetites. Brody gets a headache (a reappearance of one he apparently had before, although I can’t find reference to such) and suspects that the player who came forward must be Craig Wyatt, Mr Serious, in order to protect Sheila-the-soon-to-be-ex.

This also leads to him thinking that the breaking news doesn’t bode well for the next day’s game, since nobody “would be able to focus with a possible criminal investigation hanging over their heads” (82). That seems logical. There were any number of times in the past few years when the Coyotes did less than their best in the playoffs at the same time that rumors of moving the team to another city hit a crescendo. Obviously correlation is not causation, but there had been a great deal of speculation about the players’ ability to focus on the game when their futures were unclear.

They manage to find a different conversational topic, about how Hayden needs a (real) vacation and they should go see a movie or to Navy Pier. Unfortunately, since Hayden wants to do so the very next day, she’s disappointed because Brody has to, y’know, play in the playoffs so the team is leaving the next morning for the evening game. (It’s in L.A., so apparently this universe’s L.A. team is the Vipers rather than the Kings. I’m amused that of the three teams we’ve heard of so far, all of them have been in cities that the NHL actually does have franchises.) Hayden’s response is that “Dad mentioned something about an away game” (84). Seriously? How does a girl quite literally grow up in the game, even if she hates it, and not understand how playoffs work?

This all leads to a resurgence of the fling vs relationship question, which has Brody pondering again.

And then he’d met Hayden and suddenly he wasn’t thinking about casual anymore. He liked her. A lot. Hell, he’d actually experienced a flicker of excitement when she mentioned engaging in normal couple things like going to the movies or walking by the lake (85).

No, in the very first chapter, before he even saw Hayden, Brody was thinking he was no longer interested in casual and wanted a relationship. It’s why he was (very slightly) reluctant to go with Hayden for a one-night stand.

Also? A “flicker of excitement”? That’s not very compelling, dear Brody.

Hayden continues on with “You’re a hockey player. I’m a professor” (85) as if that’s a basic explanation for why they cannot be together. I… don’t get it. I understand Hayden’s reluctance since she wants a life with a significant other that’s different from the one she had with her father. But that has nothing to do with her being a professor. (Full disclosure- I’m a professor who plays hockey. Obviously not professionally. In fact, not very well. But it’s enough to tell me that the professor/hockey player dichotomy doesn’t make inherent sense.)

What does make sense, though, is that when Brody protests, it’s all about him, and Hayden calls him on it, and she continues no to say she’s tired of coming in second.

Brody leaves the hotel feeling that he’d blown his chance.