So,
when we left our ‘hero’ (you’ll understand the quotes later), he’d just been
part of a shoot-out win, despite being pretty much drunk on home-made,
absinthe-laden cough medicine. He and his fiancée, (Br)Anna, head to the team
Christmas party and despite having been told not to drink by the trainer (who
gave him the home-made booze-meds), he can’t resist the cloudberry flavored koskenkorva vodka. My research (read:
Wikipedia. Don’t tell my students) tells me that Koskenkorva is actually a
brand and thus ought to be capitalized and that it’s the most common vodka in
Finland. It does seem to come in multiple flavors, but not cloudberries. Unless
cloudberries = Nordic berries, which the Kosekenkorva website lists but won’t
actually let me click on. Apparently it doesn’t believe that I’m over 21
despite putting in my birthdate.
The
point is, between the vodka (which Arttu lets a friend lie to (Br)Anna for him,
saying it’s only white wine) and the cough medicine, he gets pretty tipsy and
decides to take a nap on a couch. This is important because while he’s asleep,
something shows up and kidnaps (Br)Anna.
But
because he’s asleep, we (the readers) don’t get to see it. And the description
given by the teammates isn’t exactly detailed. So that’s irritating and part of
why I don’t like first-person narratives, particularly ones that are written
with less skill than they could be.
So
Arrtu wakes up to find Vále in wolf form. Apparently many people have left, all
at once, but they are then not mentioned again, whoever “they” were or why they
left.
Steve, a rookie forward stood with
his wife and they both held thin swords (43%, missing commas
original).
Apparently
Steve is Jack Frost. I don’t know why
that entails having a sword, slender or otherwise. His wife, it turns out, is “springtime
in a chick’s body” (46%). I have zero idea.
Our captain, Shawn Murphy sat on the
floor holding his nose, trying to stop it from bleeding. His new girlfriend
looked at me and then her lips pulled back from extremely sharp teeth. I knew
all sorts of odd and magical beings played for the Nor’easters, but Nimah’s
teeth gave me pause (43%, missing commas original).
She
turns out to be a selkie. All of this information is handed out in a clunky
paragraph because apparently Arttu didn’t know. On one hand, the text didn’t
take the time to earlier work this information in with subtlety but on the
other hand felt it was important enough information that the story needs to
have it. Except that other than Rose, the one who is apparently the embodiment
of spring, it’s entirely irrelevant to the rest of the story.
Also?
With all those magical creatures on one hockey team, you’d think that a) they’d
win every single game and b) that this would be a more interesting story. Also,
there’s no werehyenas listed. I was promised werehyenas.
Anyway,
Joulupukki apparently kidnapped
(Br)Anna. This is apparently either Santa Claus or a “yule goat.” Essentially
this is a wild man who comes to “take bad children and beat them, or eat them
or drag them to Hell” (46%) according to the text. So basically Krampus? I can’t
find anything online to support this, but here, have a photo of a giant Swedish
yule goat:
I
find that the rest of this story is far more amusing if you picture the bad guy
as a giant goat. Or, if you prefer, I did find online that the Joulupukki is
sometimes accompanied by gnomes. That’s fun, too.
Mixed
mythology aside, Arttu protests that (Br)Anna is neither bad nor a child, but
other people points out that she used magic on people without their consent
(see post #1), so apparently Arttu was right and that came back to bite them in
the ass. Except then he compares (Br)Anna’s magical compelling music to the
team captain’s praying, saying he doesn’t share his (Christian) beliefs and therefore
doesn’t want to be prayed for. And I say apples to oranges, dude.
Vále
and his girlfriend, also a werewolf, go out to look for (Br)Anna while the rest
of the team takes Arttu home to put on a
movie. What the hell?! Your fiancée is missing and your response is to go
home, admittedly moping and crying, and watch a [expletive] movie?! Yes, let
the werewolves do the work while you kick back and watch a film.
Fortunately
for Arttu, the werewolves do, in fact, find (Br)Anna. She’s being held by the
nuuttipukki along with another prisoner and they’re enclosed in a force field
in a graveyard. The team drives to said Salem graveyard (because of course it’s
in Salem), where the nuuttipukki is beating the two captives. Arttu begs with
the nuuttipukki for a while from outside the forcefield, which does nothing
particularly helpful.
Then
Nimah-the-selkie shows up and says they can banish the nuuttipukki by calling
for holy water. And since she’s a selkie, she can fill the forcefield with sea
water (because magic) and apparently any water becomes holy if you pray over it
to any god, so Arttu prays, and the nuuttipukki pops the forcefield and
disappears.
So
that was anticlimactic.
Of
course, the fact that they filled the damn forcefield with water means that
(Br)Anna has basically drowned. That’s not me being snarky; that’s actually
what happened. So Rose-the-Springtime-Incarnate shows up and says she’ll give
Arttu’s breath to (Br)Anna, and of course he says yes, do it. She does this by
creating pollen and covering Arttu’s face so that he can’t breathe until he
passes out.
When
he wakes up, (Br)Anna does too. They hug and she starts singing “Gaudete” at
him until he panics because that’s what got her in trouble in the first place.
So apparently the nuuttipukki shows up and kidnaps bad children but doesn’t
tell them what they did wrong to deserve being beaten, eaten, and/or dragged to
hell? That’s pretty stupid.
Anyway,
(Br)Anna and Arttu go home, go to sleep, then get up to go on a bike ride with
some guy who rents an apartment from them. Along the way, the two of them discover
that they can feel what the other is physically feeling, presumably because of
the whole sharing breath thing. Yay? Then they get to the destroyed ruins of
their arena where it turns out the rest of the team is also standing out. Because
apparently the best Christmas present of all is that the other guy that the
nuuttipukki had kidnapped (for reasons never specified) is super rich and to
thank the team for his rescue, he’s going to rebuild the arena and possibly buy
the team so that they can stay.
Good
thing it’s the Pan-Am league (whatever that is) and not the NHL, because if
there’s one thing I’ve learned as a Coyotes fan it’s that it is not
particularly easy to buy a hockey team, even if you have the money.
The
story ends with (Br)Anna singing at mass again
but this time without magic.
The
end.
I
feel so ripped off. It’s an anticlimactic story with incredibly little
characterization or action or wit, and there were precisely zero werehyenas.
WHERE WERE MY WEREHYENAS? And as I said before, for a story that has this many
magical creatures in it (although apparently for all that Arttu uses magic, according
to him, we never see him do any) it was really boring.
(Okay,
I seem to have figured out part of the problem. The werehyenas are actually on
a different team. But since all the stories are in one anthology, I had assumed
they were all on the same team. Or at least in the same universe. Apparently
not. So the Pan-Am League is all magical? I have no idea.)
Anyway,
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE FHL. We’ll return to Her Man Advantage next time. At least those Finns are just bikers
instead of werewolves.
(ACTUALLY! come back tomorrow (YES, CHRISTMAS DAY!) for another Christmas bonus! An *adorkable* one!)
(ACTUALLY! come back tomorrow (YES, CHRISTMAS DAY!) for another Christmas bonus! An *adorkable* one!)
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