Offside: Post 19

Chapter 24: Voyeur Cat is Watching You Porn

Please note that posts may be a little irregular and a little slapdash for the month of March.

Logan dashes into the bar, all avenging irrationally jealous lover, prepared to pound Jason’s head into a pulp for daring to look at Billie’s ass, but thankfully Shane stops him. This is not the first time that Shane has been the voice of reason in this book and it really makes me wonder why he went to prison (although, as with so many things I’m curious about, not curious enough to pay for his book.) He points out that if Logan causes a scene, especially since Sabrina, Maiden of the Towels, is there, it’d be bad for Billie, and that’s enough to calm Logan down. (Never mind that it would also be breaking his word to Billie, no, that’s not important at all.)

Billie catches sight of Logan and acts really weird. I think the purpose is twofold. First, she’s acting as if she’s not involved with Logan because they’re at the bar with all of their leaguemates. Second, she’s flirting with Logan. If those seem fairly mutually exclusive to you, know that I agree. It comes off like Billie has lost her marbles, in my opinion.

“Logan,” she said casually…. She took a sip from her bottle, her tongue flickering [sic] along the edge. “I didn’t even notice you were missing until what,” she turned to Jason and giggled, “the third period?” (395).

I don’t know that I want to know how a tongue flickers. (Flicks, sure. Flickers...?) Logan wonders if Billie is drunk, based on the above. One of the other players asks Billie if she’s told Logan about the tournament the team has signed up for.

“Not me. I haven’t seen the guy since last Friday” (395).

I know I’m overly critical—that’s the point here—but I feel like these sorts of responses are super-forced. Like, Billie, you’re better than this.

Logan doesn’t notice because he’s too busy watching Billie.

The tip of her tongue was slowly rimming the bottle in her hands and he was very aware that the bulge between his legs was going to grow to epic proportions if he didn’t do something (396).

Then Billie brings up Skype and how “cool” it is. She explains it as if Logan had never heard of it before, all so that he’s thinking about the “crotch-less lingerie and peek-a-boo skirts” she was wearing the night before while they Skyped. Billie continues on, telling Logan he should try Skype some time, like when he’s on a business trip, because it’s a good way to keep in touch with people, like his “mother for instance” (397-98).

I wish Billie had chosen any other person to bring up as a non-sexy person to reference here because I’m already deeply concerned about Logan’s relationship with his mother.

At any rate, it all becomes too much for the both of them. Logan claims he has something he has to talk to Billie about and they leave “before he was forced to pound his fist into every single guy in the bar” (398). Logan’s possessive streak is beginning to creep me out. He practically drags her outside.

…for the first time really hating their dumbass arrangement. Logan decided right then and there that he was done playing games. He was done hiding (400).

I guess this is supposed to seem like he wants to be all super public about their relationship because he’s super serious about it. However, it’s a little bit problematic. First of all, he knows what she’s going through regarding the way the town is treating her, and he agreed (without any qualms at the time) to abide by her wishes in keeping their relationship a secret. As I’ve said, I’m not convinced that keeping it a secret is actually all that helpful, but my point is that this is not a unilateral decision that Logan gets to make. Second, “done playing games”? Again, not playing games is in character—it’s one of the first things that Logan says to Billie after they kiss for the first time (and it’s all supposed to stem from how Betty treated him after “they” slept together) but given that Billie’s car was vandalized and she was stabbed because she wants to play men’s hockey, and she sees her relationship with Logan as potentially being seen in the same light, as ergo dangerous, it’s not like she’s ashamed of him or playing games. She’s fearful. Third, I suspect this wanting everyone to know is supposed to be seen as romantic, because this is a “real” relationship (whatever that is) in a way that none of his previous ones have been. However, because it comes hard on the heels of how Billie is being hit on by other people, and Logan’s terrible reaction to that (which we also saw when he took her out for the first time), it only comes across as possessiveness and as isolating her from other people.

They drive superfast to Logan’s house and have sex in the hallway, and Logan is particularly excited because Billie isn’t wearing underwear. They get to the bed before actual penetrative sex and are both horrified to discover that Weird (the cat) is watching them.

“Son-of-a-bitch.”

She followed his gaze and swore. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

They had an audience. A furry, purring little thing, who flicked a crooked tail back and forth while holding out a paw to be licked.

A cat with one eye. An eye for porn (409-410).

And that’s where the chapter ends. I seriously think that this author was uncertain how to end sex scenes and thus capped them all off with Voyeur Cat.

Cats watch their people. They just do. I don’t think Weird the Porn Cat is particularly weird.

Offside: Post 14

Chapters 18 & 19: The Date

Billie has prepared for her Date Under Duress by raiding Bobbi’s wardrobe, which seems like a pretty shitty thing to do a) without asking and b) when your sister isn’t even speaking to you at the moment. But as I’ve discussed recently in the comments, I’m an only child, so what do I do know?

“Make sure you look good.”

She thought of his words and frowned. I’m an idiot. I should have worn a pair of stinky old track pants and my stupid, still wet, bunny slippers (298).

Yep. I agree. I’m all for getting dressed up if you want to, but Billie has spent the day being worried about this bet date and fretting over wearing makeup, which apparently she never does.

All that said, she also realizes, as Logan gets to her house, that she’s aroused. I’d just like to point out something that romance novels (and erotica) often forget—just because someone’s physically aroused doesn’t mean that s/he has to now have physical intimacy.

Regardless, Billie’s big concern is over her nipples.

Crap. There was no way she could waltz downstairs with the unmistakable nipple salute that was out there, front and center. No way in hell. Logan would never let her live it down (299).

Three things. First, this text is obsessed with engorged body parts and not letting other people see said engorgement. (I’m fairly certain that Logan has spent most of this book with an erection.) Second, is Billie not wearing a bra? She’s wearing a sweater (purloined from Bobbi) that bares her shoulders, so admittedly it’d have to be a strapless bra, but … a bra? Right? Not to mention, sweater suggests something pretty heavy and nipple concealing. I grant that she could be wearing a thin bra and thin sweater, so I’m not suggesting that this is impossible, just unlikely. Finally, third, front and center, eh? Where else would they be?

(She grabs an “old and out of fashion” leather jacket to hide herself (299). I’d’ve just put on a different bra because if she’s concerned about her nipples at the moment because she’s aroused, want happens if she just gets cold later? She has no idea where they’re going.)

Her father is clearly not as lucid at this point as he was that morning. He recognizes Logan as one of the Forest sons, but upon seeing Billie, he’s horrified.

“Since when do you paint your face like that? Like a cheap whore” (302).

This makes me wonder just how much she caked on, that he’d noticed it. As far as I can tell, the comment is only here to make the exit from the house tense, in combination with Bobbi’s arrival. The sister snarks at Billie for stealing her sweater (fair point) then insinuates that Logan takes all his very many dates to the same restaurant.

The restaurant in question is in “the city”, meaning it’s not the Lonely Single Bar and Grill of New Waterford and he tells Billie once they’re there that he’s never actually brought another woman there except his mother.

It was a realization that only dawned on him as the words fell out of his mouth (312).

Not exactly an epiphany there, Logan. I guess as readers we’re meant to think that this makes Billie very special—she’s not one of the women that Logan has kept at arm’s distance for the sake of casual sex. On the other hand, given his weird mental commentary about his mother at the fund-raising gala, it just comes off as Oedipal.

Speaking of hearkening back to prior behavior, remember how when Logan saw Billie in her sports bra and boy shorts in the locker room it made him want to piss in the corners of the room? I don’t know if this is a step up or down, but at the restaurant Logan gets angry at the fact that various men in the restaurant are checking Billie out. “he fought the urge to go all caveman and tell them to back the hell off. She was his” (311).

Um, ew? She’s her own, for starters. If Billie is uncomfortable by the looks she’s getting, that’s one thing, but Logan doesn’t get to be an asshat about it. Or rather, he does, since I’m not the one writing the book, but it doesn’t make me think highly of his character. … Then again, I haven’t really liked Logan since the early chapters so I guess it’s not much of a surprise.

Dinner essentially gets fast forwarded through until they finish desert and both of them are erect again. Seriously.

His heart began a slow, steady beat—one that immediately went south and woke up his cock. Damn, he shifted in his chair trying to alleviate the stress between his legs (315).

Her chest heaved as the pulse at the base of her neck told him exactly how hot and bothered she was – though the luscious nipples that strained against her sweater wasn’t’ something she could hide, either. They begged for his mouth. For his hands and tongue and whatever else he could use on them (316).

Unfortunately, and this is only my opinion because it’s very subjective, the text is so busy telling readers how aroused these two are for each other by describing physical reactions but it doesn’t bother actually creating that feeling of lust (and, for a romance novel, preferably also budding love) between the characters. For all that I’ve railed about how stupidly over the top I think the Great Gender War of New Waterford Beer League Hockey is, I could totally accept it (with minimal snark) if I actually felt like these two characters had something between them. Instead, the text just gives me a running, practically minute-by-minute commentary on how engorged their genitalia are.

(If you can't see the video,  you can click here for it)

Logan hurriedly calls for the check as he realizes that he doesn’t want to just have sex with her once and get Billie out of his head, instead he was “kind of seeing it as more of a permanent thing” (318) by which I assume he means a permanent relationship, not Billie permanently bed-ridden. However, when Logan finally gets Billie to his bed, she promptly feels sick to her stomach and passes out drunk. Sexy.

Offside: Post 13

Chapters 16 & 17: Pajama Hockey

By writing about these two chapters together, I’m almost certainly giving them short shrift, but I’m just not sure what to say about them beyond reporting what happened in them.

Billie wakes up super-early Monday morning, because she must go give a 6am hockey lesson to Logan. The text makes a very big deal about the fact that Billie puts on slippers to go have breakfast.

They had large bunny heads on the end and the ears flopped around when she walked, but they were warm so she was willing to overlook the fact that they looked ridiculous (265).

What’s with this family’s cozy footwear? Back in chapter 7, when Billie’s grandfather came outside to rescue Logan from her gun-toting father, he was wearing slippers with beaver heads on them.

Regardless, for now, Billie is pondering how much she wants to be with Logan but how she never ever can because she’s afraid that he still wants Betty and she’s just a substitute. She also does, I must admit, also think to herself that she also can’t be with him because “of what she’d done,” presumably referencing the bed trick (read: rape) from their teenaged years. She does not think about it in terms I’d like her to (read: rape) but rather about how he’d never believe that she didn’t plan the deception.

After navel gazing, Billie goes down to the kitchen for breakfast and is surprised to find her father making porridge. Even more than that, he’s coherent. He recognizes Billie and even talks about how he knows he’s usually not himself these days. He asks about Billie’s injury, and the benefit of this is that it’s finally explained.  Billie really is fine, recovered from the concussion. She tells her father that she left pro-hockey, though, out of fear that if she were hit again the health risks were too high. But in actuality, the narrative informs us that after the first hit and injury, the team thought her too weak and bought out her contract, “Another boys [sic] club where she didn’t quite fit” (275). And now, without hockey to play, “she didn’t know anything else. She was lost” (273).

The two of them share a sweet father-daughter moment that’s bitter because they both know that it won’t last, that Trent (her father) will get lost in time again soon. The grandfather (Hershel) and Bobbi also come to breakfast and there’s a nice moment of family, until suddenly Billie realizes how late it’s gotten and how she has to get to the arena (by which I assume she actually means rink.)

Honestly, I think it’s kind of lousy that Billie runs out to the rink in this moment. Yeah, she owes Logan ($1k but also…) but there’s no way of knowing how many more lucid moments she’s going to have with her father. I’d’ve stayed and been there for as long as it lasted. But instead, Billie heads to the rink and the next chapter switches to Logan’s perspective.

Oh Logan.

Hell, he’d been walking around with a permanent boner ever since [Saturday] and not even four fucking cold showers had been enough to quench his desire (280).

Well, Logan, I guess I can thank you for giving me a chance to use my “possible priapism” tag again…. You really ought to have seen a doctor about this issue. You’re risking permanent damage.

While waiting for Billie at the rink, Logan is comparing Billie and Betty, admitting to himself that Betty was the cock tease but also special. Despite the fact that most of the town claimed to have slept with Betty, “that night had been different. Special. He’d known they’d been good together” (282).  When she returned from NYC, Betty had then acted like they’d never hooked up (which, of course, they hadn’t, but Logan doesn’t know that.)

Not that Billie had a chance at his heart. He wasn’t that stupid, but maybe… maybe it was time to teach one of them a lesson (282, emphasis original).

I know that revenge is a common motive in romance novels for a couple to get together, but it’s always questionable. And here, it’s more upsetting. Logan is mad at Betty. It doesn’t matter (for this moment) that he’s mad at the wrong sister. He’s mad at Betty so he figures he should teach Billie a lesson? That’s a really asshat move. (And no, it’s not mitigated by the fact that Billie did her own asshat move on him years before since he doesn’t know that.)

Logan goes from anger at Billie’s tardiness to surprise at her appearance.

Where was the goddess, sex slave who had haunted him for the last two nights straight? (284).

You know, on another day I might get all ranty about “goddess, sex slave” because those ought to be mutually exclusive things, one denoting power and the other denoting submission, and by appearing together in Logan’s description of Billie, he’s simultaneously granting her power (because he wants her) and demoting her and controlling that sexual power (by picturing her submissive.) But I just don’t have it in me to unpack it tonight.

Besides, he’s surprised at her appearance because she’s wearing pajamas (“blue flannel pants with pink piglets all over them”), an old raincoat, and the bunny slippers.

Seriously? She couldn’t take two minutes to put on pants and sneakers?

Also, if she had shown up in ordinary clothes for playing hockey, she still wouldn’t have been the “goddess, sex slave” (since that description seems to be linked to appearance, presumably hearkening back to the naughty angel costume she’d been wearing the last time he saw her) since she’d be in hockey gear (ooooh, sexy padding) or at best in something like sweats and a helmet.

Instead, since she didn’t bring her gear with her—just her stick and skates—she coaches in pajamas bottoms, her sweatshirt, and borrowed gloves. Given that she’s had a concussion already, she really ought to be wearing a helmet. When I’ve gone to see NHL players practice, okay, yes the coaches don’t tend to wear helmets. But all the amateur league coaches I’ve ever seen have worn helmets. Know why? Because it’s a requirement for USAHockey, frankly, which as I’ve said before is the organization that manages things like insurance for rinks.

Also, she claims to have forgotten her gear. But she didn’t forget her stick and skates? I can see the stick being separate from her gear (it doesn’t fit in the bag, after all) but the skates? That’s a little weird. (Not entirely weird. I mean, you can explain it away by saying she put her gear out to air after playing on Friday and hadn’t packed it all back up yet. But in that case she wouldn’t so much have forgotten her gear as passed it over as she bunny-slippered her way out of the house with her stick and skates.)

Anyway, Billie puts Logan through his paces to the point where even though the narrative takes great pains to tell us what great shape he’s in, he’s shaking and heart pounding ‘til they’ve finished. He then challenges her, saying she needs to show off her skills to him.

How was it that this woman could tear up the ice the way she did, and still be the hottest thing he’d ever seen? (288)

How is it that someone purported to be smart doesn’t see that those two things are not mutually exclusive?

Did you know that girls drop out of organized sports in huge numbers because as they get older (like, pre-teens and such) they think that sports make them look too unfeminine? So, thanks Logan, and thanks Offside, for helping to perpetuate that sort of thing by normalizing the idea that a woman can’t be both an athlete and attractive.

Anyway, Logan challenges Billie to a race and she agrees and takes off her sweatshirt. I have to say, if Logan is skating in full gear (which he is) and she’s skating in pajama pants and a t-shirt (which apparently is a midriff one because it bares her belly button ring and Logan finds this to be incredibly sexy), in some ways she has the advantage. Gear is bulky. On the other hand, were they to hit the boards or something, she’d be screwed.

So they race and the girls who had been practicing on the other sheet of ice come and watch them, cheering for Logan. He wins, but just barely, and afterward he notices her wince. Because oh yeah, she just had a whole bunch of stitches on Friday night and Logan had forgotten.

The race was a bet, and since Logan won he’s taking her out somewhere that evening.

“Tonight,” he repeated, watching her closely. Be ready by seven.”

“But,” she sputtered.

…

“Seven sharp, and make sure you look good” (295).

Logan’s high-handed “make sure you look good” atop his desire for revenge (against Betty but to be taken on Billie) has pretty much made me lose all favorable opinion of him. I dislike him slightly less than I disliked the main character from Play the Man but only because Logan’s more interesting, at least.