Offside: Post 14

Chapters 18 & 19: The Date

Billie has prepared for her Date Under Duress by raiding Bobbi’s wardrobe, which seems like a pretty shitty thing to do a) without asking and b) when your sister isn’t even speaking to you at the moment. But as I’ve discussed recently in the comments, I’m an only child, so what do I do know?

“Make sure you look good.”

She thought of his words and frowned. I’m an idiot. I should have worn a pair of stinky old track pants and my stupid, still wet, bunny slippers (298).

Yep. I agree. I’m all for getting dressed up if you want to, but Billie has spent the day being worried about this bet date and fretting over wearing makeup, which apparently she never does.

All that said, she also realizes, as Logan gets to her house, that she’s aroused. I’d just like to point out something that romance novels (and erotica) often forget—just because someone’s physically aroused doesn’t mean that s/he has to now have physical intimacy.

Regardless, Billie’s big concern is over her nipples.

Crap. There was no way she could waltz downstairs with the unmistakable nipple salute that was out there, front and center. No way in hell. Logan would never let her live it down (299).

Three things. First, this text is obsessed with engorged body parts and not letting other people see said engorgement. (I’m fairly certain that Logan has spent most of this book with an erection.) Second, is Billie not wearing a bra? She’s wearing a sweater (purloined from Bobbi) that bares her shoulders, so admittedly it’d have to be a strapless bra, but … a bra? Right? Not to mention, sweater suggests something pretty heavy and nipple concealing. I grant that she could be wearing a thin bra and thin sweater, so I’m not suggesting that this is impossible, just unlikely. Finally, third, front and center, eh? Where else would they be?

(She grabs an “old and out of fashion” leather jacket to hide herself (299). I’d’ve just put on a different bra because if she’s concerned about her nipples at the moment because she’s aroused, want happens if she just gets cold later? She has no idea where they’re going.)

Her father is clearly not as lucid at this point as he was that morning. He recognizes Logan as one of the Forest sons, but upon seeing Billie, he’s horrified.

“Since when do you paint your face like that? Like a cheap whore” (302).

This makes me wonder just how much she caked on, that he’d noticed it. As far as I can tell, the comment is only here to make the exit from the house tense, in combination with Bobbi’s arrival. The sister snarks at Billie for stealing her sweater (fair point) then insinuates that Logan takes all his very many dates to the same restaurant.

The restaurant in question is in “the city”, meaning it’s not the Lonely Single Bar and Grill of New Waterford and he tells Billie once they’re there that he’s never actually brought another woman there except his mother.

It was a realization that only dawned on him as the words fell out of his mouth (312).

Not exactly an epiphany there, Logan. I guess as readers we’re meant to think that this makes Billie very special—she’s not one of the women that Logan has kept at arm’s distance for the sake of casual sex. On the other hand, given his weird mental commentary about his mother at the fund-raising gala, it just comes off as Oedipal.

Speaking of hearkening back to prior behavior, remember how when Logan saw Billie in her sports bra and boy shorts in the locker room it made him want to piss in the corners of the room? I don’t know if this is a step up or down, but at the restaurant Logan gets angry at the fact that various men in the restaurant are checking Billie out. “he fought the urge to go all caveman and tell them to back the hell off. She was his” (311).

Um, ew? She’s her own, for starters. If Billie is uncomfortable by the looks she’s getting, that’s one thing, but Logan doesn’t get to be an asshat about it. Or rather, he does, since I’m not the one writing the book, but it doesn’t make me think highly of his character. … Then again, I haven’t really liked Logan since the early chapters so I guess it’s not much of a surprise.

Dinner essentially gets fast forwarded through until they finish desert and both of them are erect again. Seriously.

His heart began a slow, steady beat—one that immediately went south and woke up his cock. Damn, he shifted in his chair trying to alleviate the stress between his legs (315).

Her chest heaved as the pulse at the base of her neck told him exactly how hot and bothered she was – though the luscious nipples that strained against her sweater wasn’t’ something she could hide, either. They begged for his mouth. For his hands and tongue and whatever else he could use on them (316).

Unfortunately, and this is only my opinion because it’s very subjective, the text is so busy telling readers how aroused these two are for each other by describing physical reactions but it doesn’t bother actually creating that feeling of lust (and, for a romance novel, preferably also budding love) between the characters. For all that I’ve railed about how stupidly over the top I think the Great Gender War of New Waterford Beer League Hockey is, I could totally accept it (with minimal snark) if I actually felt like these two characters had something between them. Instead, the text just gives me a running, practically minute-by-minute commentary on how engorged their genitalia are.

(If you can't see the video,  you can click here for it)

Logan hurriedly calls for the check as he realizes that he doesn’t want to just have sex with her once and get Billie out of his head, instead he was “kind of seeing it as more of a permanent thing” (318) by which I assume he means a permanent relationship, not Billie permanently bed-ridden. However, when Logan finally gets Billie to his bed, she promptly feels sick to her stomach and passes out drunk. Sexy.

Offside: Post 10

Chapter 13: The FHL Commissioner Gets Ranty

This chapter introduces readers to Deidre Forest, mother to Logan and Connor, and apparently the town’s grande dame of sorts. She throws yearly soirees in order to raise money for the “community support center—one that catered to seniors, teens and adults in crisis” (208). Wouldn’t … wouldn’t that include everyone in crisis? People in crisis? These shindigs are apparently THE event of the year in New Waterford and they’re always exquisite and themed. (Previous years were Mardi Gras themed and “country hoedown” themed, “complete with… some hot imported cowboys to boot” (208).) Sure… This year she moved the soiree to be held at Halloween and its theme? Drumroll please…. is Halloween.  …Clever? And its centerpiece is an adults-only masquerade.

That sounds like it will be an orgy. Spoiler-alert: it’s not. That should be a good thing, given that family members are all there, but given the way that Logan describes his mother…  I’m serious, it creeps me out. Deidre is “decked out in a  witches (sic) costume” and when Logan sees her, he thinks about how she goes to the gym multiple times per week.

His mom took great care of her body and mind and he knew that his dad was one hell of a lucky guy. Maybe she was the reason he’d never been interested in settling down. How was he ever going to find someone as perfect as his own mother? (211)

It’s one thing to envy your parents’ relationship. It’s another to envy your father for your mother’s body.

Great. Now that everyone is squicked out (thanks book!), let’s talk about Logan’s costume. The book never comes out and say it, but between the description and other characters at the party saying that “he looks just like Eric from—“ (217), he’s supposed to be Eric from True Blood.  Logan did not pick out this costume, however. His mother had it sent to him, along with someone from the salon to do his hair. Apparently he acquiesced mainly out of guilt for not bringing Sabrina-the-Towel-Folding-Ex to the party. He did, however, refuse one accessory, as his mother points out.

“Where is your teeth?” (213).

Seriously? I can accept (not really) comma splices from non-professional editors maybe but “where is your teeth”? No. Just… no. Unless this is characterization, in which case maybe Logan’s mom needs to take better care of her mind, no matter what he thought two pages previously.

All right. I’ll stop ranting about grammar. For now.

Before asking about the teeth, his mother actually asked about Sabrina, then told Logan that he’s afraid of commitment. Post-costume questioning, Logan’s father joins them and conversation turns to how they’d had a bet going about whether or not Logan would bring Sabrina to the party and how happy they are that Connor brought Billie to the party, and that they like her. In fact, it totally reads like they want Logan and Billie to get together (spoiler alert: I’m pretty damn sure they’ll get their wish) which is fine and all but doesn’t say a heck of a lot for their opinion on their younger son (the convenient veterinarian).

Logan excuses himself, partly to avoid someone he thinks is Sabrina (he sees platinum hair), which is kind of odd. I mean, if Sabrina is at the party, why would his mother be surprised to see Logan alone when he arrives?

The band begins to play and apparently it’s led by “his buddy, Ike” (215), which I have to assume is the same Ike from the coffee shop in chapter 10 (post 7), who thought that it was an abomination to let women into the men’s league, lest the men be forced to not fart. After some flirting with women who realize that Logan is dressed as Eric but think that Logan is more attractive than Eric, he runs into Tracy and Jake. Tracy is one of Billie’s friends, briefly mentioned when the Billie showed up at the (town’s only) bar and everyone went silent because she (Billie) was dressed in a tiny red dress and didn’t look like a hockey player (which nearly set everyone into a brawl). Jake has never been mentioned before.

Logan knew Jake had been so pissed that a woman had infiltrated their league that he’d asked for his money back and drove out of town to play in another league, the next county over (220).

You know what? I am so [expletive] sick of these [expletive] asshat, douchebag, misogynist [expletive]s. In some ways, this book reads like a freakin’ parody. I mean, seriously?

“The point is, she’s a woman and it’s a men’s league. Last time I looked, she didn’t have a dick between her legs” (220).

Jake, dear, you are so wrapped up in gender norms that I’m surprised your little cisgendered, male privileged self hasn’t choked.

Fortunately, Logan is also pissed off by Jake’s comments and defends Billie, pointing out that possessing a dick or not, she does have a slapshot that could take off Jake’s head or balls.

Jake immediately goes for slut shaming, suggesting that Logan is only defending Billie’s right to play because he and the rest of the team is probably getting some from her.

Who Billie chooses to sleep with or does not choose to sleep with is 100% her own damn business, for starters. It also has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not she can play hockey.

I’m not actually criticizing the book here because the “Oh I bet she’s sleeping her way into X, Y, Z” is incredibly common and totally a realistic male response to female success of any kind. I am, however, criticizing that fact. That’s patriarchy in action. That’s male privilege being threatened and lashing out, declaring a woman worth only her body and what she chooses to do with it.

Tracy steps into the conversation here (since she’s dating Jake) and tells him that he’s being an asshole (true! And good for you, Tracy!).  But then she tells him that if he doesn’t improve his attitude, she won’t sleep with him. That is totally, 100% her prerogative! But it also reinforces the idea that the only thing women have to bargain with is their bodies, which is kind of proving Jake’s completely incorrect point.

She continues on and it’s not exactly shocking that she doesn’t do so with a “patriarchy, you’re soaking in it” kind of response. That’s my job, apparently. Instead, Tracy chooses to point out that Billie needs to play hockey for a lot of reasons (because her life is falling apart) and that Billie is her friend, so get over it already Jake. This seems to me an odd choice of argument in a public setting, particularly when we discover that Tracy knows that Billie is standing behind Logan.

On the bright side, she does finish her tirade by poking Jake in the chest and telling him “You’re intimidated by the fact that she’s damn good and better than any of you” (221).

And she’s right, of course, given what we’ve seen on the ice. But it’s not like they’d be having the same argument if some guy who’d played in the NHL but got an injury showed up and started playing beer league with them. Sure, they might complain that he’s a ringer, but none of it would be couched in what’s between his legs, if he’s putting out, and how he’d invaded their sacred space. So while Tracy is correct that Billie’s skill intimidates the men, it’s not just because she’s skilled. It’s that she’s skilled and a woman and that’s threatening.

Frankly, I think Billie should go back to Sweden as I’ve seen no satisfactory medical reason why she can’t play, and she should forget about New Waterford as fast as she can (with the exception of her father and grandfather) and never return. While I expect this book will have most of the guys in the men’s league accepting her to some extent by narrative’s end, I can’t see how it’d be anything but a hollow victory.