The Virgin’s Secret Marriage: Post 18

Chapter 14: We Made It to the End!

(Posts for the foreseeable future may be a bit brief and slapdash. Proofreading? Revision? What are those!? Sincere apologies—it’s been a heck of a few months and the Commissioner is digging her way out of them.)

Well, here we are! The end of the novel, where we must get our heroes together for their Happily Ever After. So, naturally, we open with Emma at the Wedding Inn (writing up her bill for the Subplot Wedding that Wasn’t) when who should appear…? Why, the Subplot Groom! He’s plead guilty and thus been allowed out and about, and expects to get a fine and community service rather than jail time, including being a spokesperson to the youth on how easy it is to end up doing crime, and he’s at the Inn because he plans to apologize to everyone he hurt.

The one he hurt the most, however, specifically the Subplot Bride, won’t see him. In fact, her family took out a restraining order against him. I guess I’ll handwave that as the family having a judge in their pockets or something, because I don’t think you can legally take out a restraining order on someone who has never been violent to you or threatened you or has a criminal background of violence. Two minutes of google-fu tell me, however, that there are allegations of restraining order abuse—meaning that it’s actually very easy to get a restraining order because judges err on the side of the one asking for an order because it’s very bad publicity to deny a restraining order and then have the asker end up dead. It also apparently can happen in as little as a day, so I guess the Subplot Bride’s family really could have done this, but it’s still super underhanded, would require lying to the court and judge, and is not what a restraining order is for.

The Subplot Groom has given up on his bride because “[s]he fell in love with a marketing whiz, an up-a-comer. Now that [he’s] no longer that person—well, let’s just say there’s no chance for reconciliation there, either” (192). As little as I care about this subplot, I included that quote because that is diametrically opposed to what Mama Hart said to Joe and to what this main couple will decide about sticking through it all and loving each other no matter what and not giving up. So while the Subplot Thief and Heiress aren’t the main duo in this novel, their story does take up quite a few pages and seem to totally undercut the message of the main pairing.

And yet, the Subplot Groom’s final words to Emma, that if your life is going the wrong way, “U-turns are allow” (194) are “prophetic” and enough to convince her that she needs to make a change and figure things out with Joe.

Her marriage had crumbled because she hadn’t possessed the courage to ignore the evidence to the contrary and believe in Joe. Because she had been afraid to tell Joe how she really felt, how deeply she was in love with him (194, comma splice error original).

Do real live people think this way? Like, ever? I mean, I can see waiting for the significant other to explain the situation before jumping to conclusions, but A) Embroidered monogram thongs, as ridiculous as that is, don’t just appear in people’s bedrooms magically and B) they didn’t have a marriage to crumble! Saying the words in front of a justice of the peace gives you the legal bindings of a marriage, which mostly constitute how you pay your taxes and who is now your next of kin, but it doesn’t magically make the relationship that is a marriage. (In other words, I’m defining marriage in two different ways, two separate entities. Joe and Emma had a legal marriage, unbeknownst to them, for the past seven years…. Which means I’m pretty sure they’ve been filing their taxes wrong. But that’s all it means. The relationship on which their marriage ideally should have been built wasn’t there. I don’t care how long they dated when they were nineteen, it’s seven years later now and they’re different people. Think about how much changes in seven years.

But this novel has been conflating the two relationships and insisting that if you have the one (the legal one, at least once you’re aware of its existence), then you have to strive for the relationship one. And sure, again, ideally you would. Frankly, ideally you’d go the other way ‘round, starting with the relationship and then signing the piece of paper that has you jointly filing your taxes. But the relationship can’t be forced and isn’t instantaneously created by signing that paper.

If it were, there’d be a lot fewer divorces after spontaneous Las Vegas weddings.

But now we’re down to just a few pages of novel, so let’s get to them.

Joe’s four brothers (did you know he had four? I’d forgotten about the sportscaster one, if I ever knew he existed) show up to take Emma to a surprise location.

It was one thing to be led around by Joe—he was her husband, after all. But by all the men in the Hart clan was something else indeed! (195)

I’m deeply concerned that it’s okay for a husband to grab his wife’s elbow and lead her around wherever he wants, if the two of them haven’t actually okayed that as part of their relationship. In other words, I’d be peeved if my significant other did that to me, particularly on a regular basis.

Emma asks what happens if she doesn’t want to go, and the brother say they’ll convince her. To her question about what happens if she isn’t convinced, they just grin and she sighs, understanding that like or not, she’s going.

I find this creepy.

They get to the Storm’s practice rink and head for the locker room where Joe is waiting. (Joe has also shaved off his beard.) The brothers are joined by Emma’s parents, the coach, and “sports attorney Ross Dempsey” (196). (Every time this man is mentioned in the novel, he’s “sports attorney Ross Dempsey”, as if it’s super important for readers to recall who he is… only he doesn’t do anything of use, ever.)

Apparently this locker room has a television, because Joe turns it on and tells everyone to watch it. If this were their actual arena, I’d say they ought to be in the players’ lounge, but the text does specify practice. And while I am a nosy person who had more access to the Arizona Coyotes than most people do to their local NHL teams, I do not actually know what the practice rink’s locker rooms look like (for the NHL—I know what the regular locker rooms look like, having used them) or whether they’d have a tv in them.

Joe leaves and goes to the weight room. (Another shrug from me here. I know that the Yotes don’t have a weight room at their practice rink but that they do sometimes work out in the fitness center that’s in the same rink. They have a weight/training room at their actual arena, though.) After “about ten reps” on “one of the weight machines” (could you vague that up a bit for me, text?) Tiffany Lamour shows up.

Dressed as beautifully as always, in a form-fitting red sheath and high heels, she looked like a tomcat on the prowl (197).

There’s something about the tomcat imagery that seems off, even though I know what the text is going for and I applaud the text/author for not entirely slut shaming Tiffany.

Tiffany says the weight room is a strange place to meet and from this Joe admits that Emma left him over the thong. He says Tiffany’s ploy was clever and she agrees, but that Emma’s leaving is ironic since he and Tiffany hadn’t done anything.

Tiffany ends up admitting that the entire thing was payback because Joe wouldn’t “seduce” her (197) when she gave him multiple opportunities. Joe calls it blackmail.

Tiffany tries again to seduce him, saying that he’s not the first or last, and if he takes her to bed, she’ll “be good to [him] from here on out” (198).

I’m trying to fathom the psychology that is Tiffany Lamour. I presume she finds some sort of sexual thrill not only in the sex (since she could get that in other ways) with athletes (which she could still get) but in the power she sees herself as having over them thanks to her news show? And I guess I can buy that, since people are weird, but people are rarely so knowledgeable about themselves to baldly point out that that’s what they do and that the person they’re trying to seduce in that moment isn’t the first or last.

But Joe says he will be the last, in fact, since Tiffany’s been on camera this whole time.

Tiffany threatens to sue, and “sports attorney Ross Dempsey” says then they’ll counter-sue. Mac-the-Sheriff says he’d have to arrest Tiffany for blackmail and extortion.

Tiffany defiantly asks what they want of her and does “a double take” (198) when told she has to apologize to Emma and Joe. That … seems like the least of what they’d want of her, so I’m weirded out by how surprised she is at the stipulation. She capitulates with a fake apology and a demand of the tape, but everyone says no, that it’s insurance, including Saul (team owner, Emma’s dad) who says if he hears of Tiffany ever doing anything similar again, he’ll release it to the media. So I guess that’s Saul taken care of and now in Joe’s corner.

Speaking of Joe, he kicks everyone out except Emma at this point, and she apologizes for not believing in him.  And we find out that the problem, why she couldn’t trust him, had nothing to do with their utterly absurd excuse for a relationship and all the things I’ve been pointing out. Oh no. Instead…

“Deep down, I guess I didn’t think I could hold on to you” (200).

Nope, it’s all about the woman’s insecurities. She continues on, saying “I’m still foolish sometimes” and Joe’s response is that they’ll work on that (201). Asshat.

Then they admit to each other that they love each other and want to stay married, as long as there’s “no more walking out when the going gets rough” (202).

“I promise… I’ll never doubt you—or us—again” (202).

Because that’s totally how these things work.

Then they kiss and go home. The end.

WOW. That was a lot of work to get through, although in part because of my weird travel schedule and in part because my tablet died-ish. But part of it was the utter insanity of what went on in this book. Sure, there weren’t any traditional fantasy elements (no wherehyenas!) but when I stopped to think about what passed for “normal” in this book, I just had to comment on it and poke at it and try to figure out what the heck.

I think if an average reader—myself included—just sat down to read this book without expecting to critique it like I do for the FHL, a lot of what was utterly bizarre about it would have just been accepted. (Marriage is about trust? Okay! I buy that!... waitaminute… this marriage is founded on lies and a hiatus of seven years… maybe I should reconsider what the groundwork of this marriage means for the expectations therein…) I think if I had read it that way, I still wouldn’t have liked the book (I didn’t like either character, for example, and everyone non-main-couple was a caricature) but I wouldn’t have had quite so many problems with it.

At any rate, I don’t recommend this book and I don’t have any intention whatsoever looking for other books by the same author.

Next up? We’re moving away from the Harlequins and finding out what knitting and hockey have in common…other than the fact that they’re both hobbies of mine.

(Not, like, at the same time. I have never sat on the bench between shifts working on a scarf or something. But I have frequently watched games, both on tv and rec-league in person games, while knitting various things. In fact, funny story—one of the teams I played on was called the Predators. But rather than use the Nashville logo, our logo was based on the alien from the movies. So our team had a tradition that whoever played particularly well each game, the sort of ‘start of the game’, would get a small predator figure to carry around for the week and return the following. I got him early in the season, and I crocheted him a helmet and a pair of hockey pants. Okay, so it wasn’t knitting, but when I work in 3D, I prefer crocheting. I prefer knitting for all other yarn crafts.) Anyway, Preddy (as he was affectionately called) was well dressed for the rest of the season.

Right. Join me again soon for the next text…

The Virgin’s Secret Marriage: Post 16

Chapter 12: Twisted Logic

(Posts for the foreseeable future may be a bit brief and slapdash. Proofreading? Revising? What are those?! Sincere apologies—it’s been a heck of a few months and the Commissioner is digging her way out of them.)

WhatisthisIdon’teven… ::takes a deep breath:: Let me try this again.

In many ways, almost nothing happens in this chapter, and yet it’s almost 20 pages and this post is (probably) going to be long.

Actual actions that occur in this chapter:

•  Joe asks Emma why she’s calling his brother
• Emma eventually explains
• Sex
• Tiffany Lamour inexplicably shows up at the house
• Joe’s interview with Tiffany happens off stage
• Emma oversees the rehearsal dinner cleanup
• Tiffany shows up to give a tape of the interview to Emma and Joe
• Sex
• Emma’s mother worries about the interview and hints that Joe might have slept with Tiffany
• Joe helps his sister bring wedding cakes to the Inn

Okay, that’s actually quite a few actions, but none of them are what you’d call particularly exiting in and of themselves. And that’s actually how the whole chapter feels… mundane tasks take more time than they ought and an awful lot of (digital) ink is spilled attempting what I’m pretty sure is just misdirection.

Let’s take it step by step, shall we? (Oh, we shall. We shall.)

• Joe asks Emma why she’s calling his brother
• Emma eventually explains 

Joe decides that Emma is guilty, regarding this phone call. She explains that she was calling Mac in a professional capacity since she had an idea about who might be behind the thefts.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Joe groused, aware this would have been good news had he not had to drag it out of her, and then only after catching her confiding in someone else. Who, by the way, was not her husband! (158).

First, if you’re her husband and she’s not confiding in you, then that whole last bit up there, Mr Joe Hart, hockey player extraordinaire, is redundant.

Second, and more importantly, this book seems to suggest that while the two of them (re)married for convenience, to let gossip die down, that it’s magically a marriage where all Traditional Beliefs have to stand—and these two haven’t even discussed what those beliefs would be for them. I see far less reason for Emma to confide in Joe than for her to not confide in Joe.

Emma eventually admits that she thinks the Thieving Mastermind is the Subplot Groom. Joe thinks her logic is sound, but is far less interested in getting his priceless and sentimental hockey memorabilia returned than he is hurt that Emma didn’t tell him any of this of her own volition. Emma tries to explain that since she could be wrong, she didn’t want to raise Joe’s hopes, and that she wanted to protect him.

Joe frowned, not sure where to start, she was so out of line here. “Emma—” (159).

Seriously? What year is this book written in? VCRs notwithstanding, I feel like Joe is trying to be a dad from a 1950s sitcom. (In which case he needs to get a haircut like Keith Yandle… said the FHL Commissioner in a joke that no one who reads this blog is likely to get.) 

We miss you, Yandle, and your tic of pulling up your pants
 before every faceoff. (Photo by the FHL Commissioner, 2013) 

• Sex 

Emma points out that she actually knows the rest of Joe’s family better than she knows him, at this point, what with practically all of them working at the Wedding Inn, or stopping by constantly. It creeps me out, however, that during this conversation when Emma is enumerating each of Joe’s siblings and whether she knows them well, Joe is getting turned on. I wish I were kidding, but by the time they get to referencing Joe’s veterinarian brother (who I forgot existed), Joe is aroused and Emma is undressing.

I’m an only child, but I still think that talking about my siblings would be very much passion destroying.

To assuage Joe’s temper-tantrum*, Emma tells him he’s the one in her heart. Later in the chapter, twice in fact, the text will tell us that Joe doesn’t know if Emma loves him, because she’s never said it. But it seems to me that she did just say it, right there, even without the “three little words.” Eejit.

The next morning (after more sex), Emma leaves for the rehearsal day of the Subplot Wedding after being reminded that that evening is also Joe’s interview with Tiffany Lamour, or, as Emma has starting thinking about her, “the female piranha” (161). 

Tell me you wouldn't watch a show with this guy for an interviewer?

• Tiffany Lamour inexplicably shows up at the house 

Think of the devil female piranha and she shows up, apparently, but only after Emma has left for the day.

Tiffany’s behavior is (presumably, deliberately) inexplicable. She starts out wheedling, in order to get into the house. When Joe says he won’t answer any personal questions while on her show that night, she gets aggressive and rude. Then she tries to seduce him by letting “her knees fall open a tad too far” but Joe doesn’t care about her panties.  (Seriously. He says so.)

She remains aggressive and says she’ll ask whatever she damn well pleases during the show and that she can cut the film to make it look like anything she wants. Joe threatens her, saying he’ll just ask her questions, too, like apparently that she was involved in some other, never-before-mentioned athlete’s divorce and almost had to go to court (for unspecified reasons) over it. Last, Tiffany seems to deflate when Joe tells her that he’s bringing his attorney with him to the interview.

“Fine,” Tiffany said grudgingly at last… “We’ll do it your way, Joe, as always” (164).

When has there ever been a previous for this to be an always? Dammit, book, get it together.

Tiffany gives up and asks to use the restroom. Joe doesn’t want to let her (rude, but understandable) but allows it, then she disappears.

• Joe’s interview with Tiffany happens off stage
• Emma oversees the rehearsal dinner cleanup 

The only notable thing that happens here is that because Emma remains uncertain if the Subplot Groom is the hockey memorabilia theft culprit, she likens being the wedding planner for that day’s rehearsal and next day’s ceremony to “presiding over a wedding on the deck of the Titanic” (165). I know the Titanic disaster happened 100+ years ago, but that still seems a little callous in comparison. I mean, the worst thing that could happen at this Carolina wedding (using the book’s plot suggestion) is that it turns out that the Subplot Groom is broke and turned to a life of Really Stupid Crime, potentially in league with Tiffany Lamour, and perhaps he gets arrested during the ceremony. On the Titanic, 1500 people drowned or died of exposure. It’s just a bit different. Plus, Emma is describing a feeling of uncertainty and dread—feelings that the passengers of the Titanic, including any (nonexistent) wedding planners, wouldn’t have had since most of them were convinced that the ship was unsinkable and also they weren’t supposed to be so far north that there would still be icebergs in their path in April.

(Weirdly, I’m currently listening to an audiobook about the Lusitania. Which has nothing to do with anything other than also being a giant passenger ship that sank a few years after the Titanic. And actually, the Lusitania would have made a better metaphor here, since it was sailing during war time and the Germans actually published warnings in the newspapers saying, “Hey, watch out Americans, ‘cause if we can, we’re going to torpedo the Lusitania, with our nifty new-fangled submarines!” which could have engendered a sense of dread, unlike on the Titanic. Icebergs weren’t polite enough to take out advertisements.)

• Tiffany shows up to give a tape of the interview to Emma and Joe 

Yes, I do mean tape, by the way. They use a VCR.

The couple takes the tape home and Emma wants to watch it, but Joe wants sex. Emma worries that the tape contains something other than the interview, like perhaps a sex tape or something.

They compromise in that they start to watch it but get distracted into sex before the tape is over. They don’t see anything to worry them (during the tape. I mean, I presume also not during the sex, but that part isn’t explicitly in the text.)

• Sex 

Also a boring conversation about the fact that Joe isn’t shaving because he thinks the beard is bringing him luck with Emma.

·         Emma’s mother worries about the interview and hints that Joe might have slept with Tiffany

Emma’s mother shows up at the Wedding Inn purely to ask Emma what’s going on; Tiffany gave Emma’s parents a copy of the tape as well and they watched all of it. It contains absolutely nothing about Joe’s private life, which worries Emma’s mother. First, she’s concerned (and hints at) that Joe either paid off Tiffany or slept with her in order to keep her from asking personal questions. Of course this makes Emma worry about this possibility, too, as well as accuse her mother of sending Joe to Tiffany as a kind of morality test.

I don’t like any of the relationships in this book. They’re not healthy.

 Second, Emma’s mother is miffed that this interview won’t put to rest any of the gossip. Which, fair enough, but I also have to believe that the gossip just frankly isn’t that big of a deal. It’s a fluff piece at best. I mean, there are athletes (NHL included) who have been accused (or proven) to have beaten people who are still playing and are still popular. Somehow I think one semi-illicit-but-not-really relationship and secret-accidental marriage is a blip on the radar. But this is apparently an important moment for Emma, because she stands up to her mother and says that she and Joe are going to (from now on, I suppose) keep their private lives private.

So much for that whole Hockey Wife = Role Model = Tell All thing that these two had going on last chapter.

•  Joe helps his sister bring wedding cakes to the Inn

And there’s some conversation about how his sister doesn’t support her son’s desire to play hockey, which makes Joe feel sad because… I’m not sure. Possibly because he feels bad for the kid, but more likely it’s because he feels it demeans his own career choices and reminds him that his own mother didn’t support him the way he’d have liked her to. It’s not spelled out, but that’s the subtext I get, and it’s actually slightly more interesting than just about anything else going on in this book. Joe also asks his sister how he should seduce Emma that night, which I can’t decide if it’s creepy (that’s his sister he’s asking) or sweet (at least he’s not just insisting Emma do things this time.)

Then the wedding starts and the chapter ends. Only 25 pages left in this novel. I sure hope we find out who the thief is and what Tiffany’s fiendish plan might be…

--------------------------

*DIGRESSION TIME! I keep wanting to write that Joe is “butthurt” over this stupidity, because as a term it conveys such petulance and childishness. But I don’t like the term because of its references to sodomy and thus the suggestion that gay penetrative sex is somehow ‘bad’ and thus worthy of being used as a pejorative. Then I considered “panties in a bunch” and “hissyfit”, but of course both of those have feminine conotations. The humor in the former in partly about the gendered term ‘panties’ and thus suggests that only women, or worse, men being called feminine, would have the emotional response in question. The latter, hissyfit, is from the term “hysterical” which was a very specifically female gendered term used by medical practitioners who thought that only women could have specific kinds of emotional, “nervous” complaints, at one point thought to be caused by the uterus wandering about the woman’s body and at various times in history “treated” by stimulating a woman to orgasm.

Language is hard, you guys. And if you’re asking why connotations or language matter, you might be hanging out in the wrong blog.