Chapter 1: Bog of Eternal Hockey
Stench
So
here’s the set-up. The Philadelphia Phantoms, despite being an NHL team about
to head into the playoffs, are about to become the subject of a documentary
because “The league needs the publicity and the Phantoms need the exposure”
(10).
Yes.
Because hockey in Philadelphia, who would have thought? There’s only been an
NHL team there since 1967. And goodness, let’s definitely get some publicity
for the NHL, since it’s only been around since 1917. To be fair, there are
documentaries/tv shows about hockey teams. Most notably, there’s Oil Change which is about rebuilding the
Edmonton Oilers. (Spoiler alert: they’ve been rebuilding for an awfully long
time and still kinda suck.) There’s also 24/7
which is a documentary show that’s built around rivalries, I think, and they’ve
done a few about NHL teams leading up to the Winter Classic games, although I
heard just yesterday from a reliable source that they’re not going to do NHL
anymore. So I’m not suggesting that the idea of cameras following a team around
for a month is unheard of, just the reasoning.
Let’s
meet our hero, Axel Rankin, self-proclaimed “defensive goon.” He does not want
to sign the waiver to be filmed. He has Sekrit Reasons for this, as having his
daily life broadcast would bring back old enemies in Finland.
For
you see, Axel Rankin grew up in a Helsinki ghetto and his old motorcycle gang
is surely waiting for the right moment to blackmail him and seeing him on an
American documentary will surely open that door.
Frankly,
the idea of a Helsinki ghetto and Finnish motorcycle gang seemed anathema to
me, so I did a Google search, which is about all the research I’m willing to do
at the moment. (I’m a busy lady.) I cannot find any references to a Helsinki
ghetto (although there is a DJ/MC group called Helsinki Ghetto Bass Patrol,
which … okay, sure.) On the other hand, motorcycle gangs of Finland? Actually
something to be concerned about at one time. Behold, the Great Nordic Biker War
of the 1990s. I really and truly did not see that coming.
I
also discovered that Finnish former NHL player, Jere Kararlahti, in 2008, was
charged with drug smuggling in a case that also included a motorcycle gang.
This has pretty much nothing to do with this book (I hope) but I thought the
coincidence was amusing enough to share.
It
still seems odd to me that a motorcycle gang would keep close tabs on former
members in case they can blackmail them. But not such close tabs that they
hadn’t noticed he’s playing for the NH-freaking-L. Unlike, say, American
football, NHL hockey actually does get airtime in other countries, particularly
Nordic ones where many of the NHL players come from.
Regardless,
Axel Rankin, former motorcycle gang member and current NHL goon, is perhaps
less wildly unlikely than I original expected. We learn that his best friend,
Phantoms forward Kyle Murphy is also his foster brother. Apparently the Murphy
family somehow managed to help Axel move to the US for his senior year of high
school and attendance at Boston College. I don’t know if foster here means
foster in the sense that we tend to use it, or if it means “billet” in the way
that many Canadian major junior players live with other families while they
play. I also want to know how a former member of a Helsinki ghetto motorcycle
club learned enough English and other subjects to get into Boston College. And
even more curious, how a young motorcycle gang member played enough hockey to
be that good. The text might try to explain this at some point, or it might be
a giant handwave. Either way, I’m considering it improbable at best, at least
until I get more information.
The
coach tells Axel that everyone has to be in the documentary, so he signs, but
he also decides that he’s going to his best to scare off the director in the
hopes of the documentary failing, a task which becomes even more important to
him when he learns that the director is “a chick”.
He wasn’t some backwoods misogynist
or anything, but then again, he wasn’t a fan of females in the locker room. And
hey, to be fair, he wouldn’t have taken up journalism and expected free access
to the ladies’ showers if he was following a women’s sport
(12).
I
watch a lot of hockey and have never seen journalists in the showers. Yes, in the
locker room and sometimes the players are half dressed, but that’s their
choice. I do know a female former sports journalist who mentioned the
awkwardness of interviewing men 2 to 3 times her size when they’re wearing only
a towel, but it’s part of the job, both on the journalist’s side and the
players’. So I find this annoying, from start to finish, and Axel can take his
backwoods misogyny and shove it.
Axel
decides the best way to get rid of the director is by meeting her immediately,
while he still stinks from practice. (He’s still in his gear and everything.
This also seems unlikely. He apparently went straight from the ice to the head
coach’s office in order to sign (or not sign) the waiver. Even if you’ve been
doing it a long time, walking around in hockey gear, particularly the skates,
is awkward. Surely there’d be time for paper signing after the showers? And
hell, I bet you couldn’t have more than 2 players in their gear in an office –
they wouldn’t fit. This choice is pretty much about convenience so Axel is
still sweaty-stinky-gross when he meets the heroine.
That
said, I’m delighted that the author
recognizes the special horror that is hockey sweat. Seriously, for some reason
it’s got a pungency that is unlike any other aroma. Since Axel has just gotten
off the ice, sweat is dripping down his forehead (10). This is the first time
I’ve seen a hockey romance author get that right. At Coyotes practices, you can
ask players for autographs as they get off the ice. You often get a whole bunch
of perspiration on whatever it is you’ve asked them to sign, along with their
signature.
To
be honest, when meeting the players like that I’ve never noticed their, um,
aroma, but we were always in the very cold rink, not the warmer conference room
(as Axel is heading to). And I have to imagine that NHL sweat isn’t any sweeter
smelling than amateur player sweat, and I have a fair amount of experience with
the latter.
The smell of unwashed hockey
equipment alone could send grown men to their knees. What woman would be able
to stand the stench inside an enclosed space like the conference room?
(13).
Axel
is actually not wrong. Personally, even if I haven’t been playing and I’m near
someone who has but who is still in their gear, I don’t recall ever being hit
with a wave of stench. But the gear itself? Oh yes, quite. And players who have
taken their gear off but not yet showered? Also yes. (And myself, after the
gear is off but pre shower? Admittedly yes. Gross.)
Our
hero, ladies and gentlemen, heroically attempting to dissuade the heroine using
the unusual method of hockey stench.
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