The Fictional Hockey League

Critiquing hockey romance novels, of which there are many. Overthinking it is the point.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Offside: Post 9

Chapter 12: Convenient Veterinarian

As Billie’s injury becomes apparent, she leaves the ice, so chapter 12 starts with the end of the game. Logan wants desperately to “deal with” Seth-the-Misogynist, but realizes he should check on Billie first. Shane growls that he’ll “have a few words” with the opposing team. While his gallantry is appreciated, the text doesn’t say that Shane obtained any magic powers during his stay in prison, so it’s fortunate he doesn’t have to take on the other team single-handedly, as uninvited he’s followed by three other members of his own team.

Billie needs stitches, but that’s okay, Logan’s brother is there to help. I have no idea why Logan’s brother, Connor, was there—was he watching the game or did someone call him? More importantly, Logan’s brother is a veterinarian. I mean, I don’t see why a veterinarian couldn’t stitch up a human quite well, but if Connor wasn’t already at the rink, then you’d think they would have taken Billie to an emergency clinic as opposed to making a specialty call… to a veterinarian. And while rinks do absolutely have first aid kits, I don’t really think they have suture kits on hand. Do veterinarians carry suture kits with them? (You don’t actually stitch up humans with ordinary needle and thread, y’know.)

But we couldn’t have Billie leave the rink because then Logan can’t dash into the locker room and find Billie wearing “boy shorts that did nothing but emphasize the fact that, Billie-Jo Barker, definitely was not a boy” (191). Do NOT ask me about those commas because they make absolutely no damn sense. She’s also wearing only a sports bra.

Logan wasn’t sure if he was all hot and bothered because he was pissed the Whalers had played so dirty, or the fact that Billie stood a few feet away wearing next to nothing, with his brother’s hands all over her (192).

Those are two very different things that should have very different physiological reactions, Logan. Unless being angry gets you in the mood for sex, in which case you need therapy. You can get in line behind Seth-the-Sociopath. Especially since Billie is so hot that she makes Logan feel like he should “circle the room and piss in all the corners like a dog marking his territory” (194). No. Just… no.

Billie now has eight stitches, “perfectly sown.” Which means that she should be sprouting in just a few weeks. (Sown =/= sewn). I mean, c’mon. If you’re going to thank you editor, shouldn’t your editor have EDITED? After taking in the stitches, Logan goes back to admiring Billie’s body, then remembering what it was like to kiss her.

He thanked all that was holy that he still had his hockey pants on because he was sporting one hell of a tent in there… (197).

Despite Logan going on all territorial, Connor is busy flirting with Billie and Logan starts to think violent thoughts about how long his brother’s hand is on Billie’s shoulder and how dare he have the gall to slide his fingers down her arm.

As this little war of testosterone starts to break up, Connor reminds Logan that they have to go to some fundraiser their mom is throwing the next day, and that their mom expects him to bring Sabrina (the now ex-girlfriend. You remember her—the one who flipped out that Logan offered to let Billie play on his team, and who got dumped for saying the L-word and folding his towels.)

Maybe this was the problem with folding towels.

Apparently Logan’s mother is a matchmaker who has told him that if he doesn’t have a child by the time he is thirty-five, she will write him out of her will. Holy crap. So Connor suggest that Logan should be nice to Sabrina and bring her along so that their mother will be placated. But Logan can’t do that.

He’d run into Sabrina at the bank a few days earlier and she’d practically drilled a hole through his hide with the ice in her eyes as she’s (sic) stared dagger at him. …what the hell was up with that? He’d been nice to Sabrina. He’d let her down easy. There’d been no cheating or horn-dogging. It just wasn’t right (201).

Seriously? You break up with someone, no matter how nicely, and you’re insulted when she’s mad at you? Bloody hell.

Sabrina is forgotten, however, as the locker room clears, leaving Logan and Billie alone and they flirt. There’s staring and nonsense talk and Logan keeps looking at Billie’s glistening lips and they lean closer and Logan is about to say something that surely would have been brilliant… and Shane walks into the locker room to ask Billie about her flirting with Connor.

Flirtation denied. Sorry, Logan, you’ll have to deal with your “aching cock” (204) on your own.

(This is where the chapter ends, so I’m going to end it here too, particularly since chapter thirteen seems to jump to the next night. Tune in next time to find out … well, I don’t know what we’ll find out as I haven’t read any further!)


  1. Ok, those are some impressively folded towels. Clearly, he was intimidated by her skill.

    This dude, man, this dude.

    Also. What the *expletive deleted* is wrong with these characters? (Thinking about) pissing in a circle around her? Really?

    1. Towel animals rock. I loved when I was on a cruise and each day we'd come back to our cabin (I had my pseudosiblings with me) and we'd find new ones. (Never lovey swans, thankfully, since it was me and siblings.) They do take skillz!

      As for the other, I guess it's supposed to seem manly? I think it's just gross, in multiple ways.